The Life And Times Of The Rambling Muse

I don’t know how to do it.  It seems that lately everything is just telling me that I’ve got to change in really big ways.  I just had an argument with someone who triggered a lot of sort spots within me.  It’s not so much that this person means anything to me.  In fact, I just met them within the last few weeks.  It’s the fact that I just see how ugly of a person I am right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not hating myself or anything along those lines.  What I mean is that my spirit feels so disconnected from everything and that I am reacting harshly and out of places that are full of bitterness and defense.  I long to be inviting and open and just present without fear and without this hyperawareness and sensitivity to being judged.  There’s such a disconnect with my feelings, my spirit, and my reality that I’m just really tired of being so many things to so many different people.  I want to be authentic. I want to be consistent.  I just want to be me and to act accordingly.  The problem is, I have no idea who ‘me’ is anymore.  How does one go about figuring this out?  How does one go about loving and accepting themselves unconditionally?  It’s too easy to escape through work or hobbies or with friends.  At the end of the day I have no one but myself to answer to.  I don’t like doing this because the answers are never anything I actually like.  I long to be one of those people who just eminate peace and love and kindness.  But right now my spirit is telling everyone to go away and to leave me alone.  I don’t like this at all.  I really don’t.

Previously I posted this about the scar I have on my leg.

Usually when people see it for the first time they think I have a long piece of scotch tape stuck to me.  Then they see that it’s actually a scar and ultimately I am asked how I got it.  I always lied about how I got it.  How do you explain to someone that your mom was punishing you for something and you inadvertently got cut in the process?    I remember I was in Mrs. Kropen’s class at the time, which means I was only in kindergarten when I got the scar.  I think I was ~6 years old.

Here’s the version I tell everyone, summarized in a few very basic sentences:

“I cut my leg on the bed stand.  I was jumping on the bed and fell off.  I fell against the metal leg on the bedstand and cut myself.” 

Usually people are so shocked at the size and look of the scar that the simple story is enough to satisfy their curiosity.  I think in some way they know the story actually doesn’t ’make sense’ when compared to the size of the scar, but then human nature takes over and they rationalize it that it was a “freak accident” and drop the topic.

I’m just sick of hiding the truth in order to save face.  That stupid culture thing again.  Man, if anyone knew how horrible our home life was (is).  I hate how everyone who knew us growing up thought we were this great family.  It makes me sick to think that my mom gets to live through the success of her kids, as if she actually had anything to do with it. 

This is the real story behind my scar:

My mom told us to behave for a few minutes while she went to take a shower.  My older sis was ~10 at the time, I was ~6.  We fought all the time as kids, and this was definitely not one of the more “intense” bouts with one another.  My sister wouldn’t play with me and I remember trying to plead with her to play with me.  I can’t remember accurately or not whether she was feeling sick, or whether she was just tired.  I just vaguely remember she was laying down on the bed on her left side.  I was trying to get her to play with me.  I remember lying perpendicular to her with my feet were dangling over her side.  I’m not sure how we got into this position, but all I remember was getting really angry that she wouldn’t play with me so I started moving my legs really hard, essentially kicking her in the stomach multiple times.  I had some serious anger issues as a kid.  My entire family did.  You can only imagine how physical my sister and I were when we fought.  This was still pretty tame compared to other times. More on this in another post.

Anyway, so basically I had knocked the wind out of her, just in time for my mom to come out of the shower.  My sister was kind of winded and couldn’t really speak.  Of course, my mom freaked out.  In fact, I don’t think she even tended to my sister to make sure she was ok.  I think all she saw was that we were fighting and, of course, who else gets punished?  Yep, me. 

I was always getting punished no matter whose fault it was.  My sister lied to my mom and stole stuff from me at least a few times, but when my mom found out she lied, it was MY fault for not sharing with my sis.  However, when I would steal from my sister, I got punished and hit and yelled at because I wasn’t supposed to lie or steal.  My mom always thought of me as the bad kid and treated me accordingly.  Nothing I ever did was right.  I look back and every kid inherently knows justice.  It’s the stupid adults who don’t get that.  It pisses me off too how my mom never directly dealt with bad behavior.  She’s always just gloss over in order to avoid conflict.  I look back and know why she took out so much anger on me, but that’s another rant (and very long and very complicated post)  for another day. 

Ok, so all my mom saw was that my sister was winded and clutching her stomach.  Did she even take time to check my sister?  I don’t remember that at all.  I just remember her reacting as she always did and her grabbing my arm and dragging me into the other room.  She took a fly swatter (or some sort of stick) and basically sat down on the bed with one arm holding me in place and with the other hand  hitting me in the leg with the stick. 

Now try to picture this:  When you are holding onto a child by the upper arm (remember, I was 6 at the time) and the child is trying to get away from you, what do they do?  The child will kind of go limp, bending at their knees and twisting their body to try and wiggle out of your hold, right?  Can you see that?

Ok, now picture that scenario with my mom sitting on the edge of the bed and hitting me.  I’m trying to get out of her hold and to stop her from beating me.  I didn’t know or feel this at the time, but I was literally throwing myself against that bedstand repeatedly standing up, going limp, trying to twist out out of her hold and trying to get away from her. 

When she was done hitting me I stood up to walk away and I felt liquid on my leg.  I look down at my leg and, of course, it’s actually blood running down my leg.  I have a gash that’s at least 6 inches or so long, about 1/2-1 inch deep.  Thank goodness it was on my thigh.  There’s a lot of flesh there to absorb such trauma.  I guess if I was going to get hurt that way, the leg is a good place to take it. 

I see the gash and all the blood and I start crying harder.  My mom and dad rush me to the emergency room.  I don’t remember too much at this point.  I just remember my mom grabbing a wad of paper towels to press on my wound.  I remember entering the emergency room and my mom carrying me and trying to tell the attendant what had happen.  She was crying so hard and was having trouble articulating herself through her broken english.  All I really remember is that my dad is with me in the suture room and I remember crying and screaming hysterically when I get the (tetanus?  anaesthesia?) shots in my leg for the stitches.  My mom was nowhere in any of my memories at this point.  I don’t even remember the drive home with my family.

The scar is still there.  The edges have faded a bit.  Nearly 26 years later a couple of inches have seemed to fade away through time, but it’s still a good ~4 inches in length and an 1/8 of an inch wide.  Deceivingly, it doesn’t hurt, at least not in the physical sense anyway.  Sometimes I even forget it’s there.   I’m tired of lying about it’s origin, but how do I tell people the truth about it?  When someone asks you an innocent question such as, “how are you?” do you really want to know the true answer to that?  And so, it’s just easier to tell everyone a hybrid story of truth mixed with a plausible explanation.  I was messing around with my sister when we were kids and I fell off the bed and cut it on the bedstand.”

I brought up my scar a year or so ago to my mom.  I was really hurting and just wanted to hear her acknowledge some sort of regret, some sort of knowing about what she did, even it was only in retrospect.  Instead, she got angry with me and yelled out me for drudging up the past.  She said it happened and it’s done with, so let it go and why bother bringing it up again?

It hurts.  It really hurts.  Even now, years later, she will never admit any sort of pain she’s caused or any wrongdoing on her part.  I just want to heal and I can’t do it unless she acknowledges her part in it.  I still can’t accept that I may never ever get that from her.  How do I let this go?  How do I accept that I’ll probably never get an apology or an acknowledgement of anything from her? 

And get this:  even after that happened she continued to hit us, and it wasn’t even as if the hitting was toned down.  There were subsequent moments when it was just as bad, if not worse.  She was always physical with us - especially with me - even when I entered my early teens.  It finally stopped one day when I hit her back.  She finally realized that she could no longer control me with brute force.

My sister once asked me if I could remember any happy memories from my childhood. Sadly, I said no.  I’m sure she thought that I said ‘no’ only because I was going through a hard time when we had that conversation.  In all honesty, I have to work really hard to remember any good times.  The few good times I do remember were mostly with my siblings or extended family and none, if any, with my mom.  My memories with my dad are more neutral.  He was never really around since he was always working at the store.  I have one significant bad memory with him, but generally the memories with him are good.

So that’s the story behind the scar on my leg.   

It represents all things bad and traumatic in my life.  It represents the shame, the guilt, the pain and the sorrow of so many broken relationships.  It represents the broken spirit that I’m trying so desperately to reclaim and to find again.  It’s my scarlett letter.  And speaking of “The Scarlett Letter,” I like how this cliff notes version ends:  “The scarlet letter made her what she became, and, in the end, she grew stronger and more at peace through her suffering.”

I hope the same will be said for me.

Another thing that pisses me off is that my mom also dated this Caucasian guy after my dad died.  One major point of contention for us was the “do as I say, not as I do” shit from her.  She would “forbid” me to date any guy who was anything but Chinese.  How hypocritical of her.  I’d point out that she should take her own advice and then she’d get pissed at me.  OMG, WTF!!  It was ok for her to date ANYONE without having standards because she was the “poor widow”, but NOT ok for her kids to date outside of our culture because “we should know better”.  WTF kind of logic is that?  Whatever happened to judging the person as an individual, and not operating based on stupid stereotypes or biases?  It’s no wonder I ended up in SF.  I hate her so much.

Once in college I was dating this guy who was half Chinese/half Irish.  I was NOT going to marry him.  I was merely dating him.  OMG, my mom threw a hissy fit because he was not Asian. 

In fact, a few months into our relationship I came down with the flu (or probably just ate something thta didn’t agree with me).  The point is, when I complained to my mom about feeling queasy, she immediately called my grandma and was all, “it wouldn’t surprise me if she was pregnant.”  WHAT THE HELL KIND OF MOM MAKES THAT TYPE OF COMMENT ABOUT HER KID???  Oh, man, she should have more faith and trust in us to do and make good choices.  I was just FUCKING SICK.  That bitch.  I hate her for being like that.  I hate her for thinking and making me feel like such a bad person.  I feel so ashamed for just being here.  If she didn’t want me (which she did state during one heated argument), then she shouldn’t have had kids.   

I resent the fact that my siblings take care of her when she does nothing but be the way she is.  If we were not an Asian family she would SO be on her own right now.  I resent how my family doesn’t really “get” all the crap she’s done during those years I was home after my dad died.  They were never around and they never offered me support.  I resent how, in my mom’s fucked up way, she pits us against each other in her sneaky psychological way.  Yea, I am too smart for my own good.  I’m not blind to all the subtle nuances of relationship dynamics.  I’m not ignorant of the fact that this is a big reason I haven’t found someone to trust yet.  I just “get” people too well sometimes and I have to be careful about those dynamics. 

I’m pissed that once in college I dated this guy from my church.  After a few months I broke up with him.  This guy drank, smoked, and gambled a lot.  He was a real partier.  My mom yelled at me for breaking up with him.  I mean, afterall, he went to our church, was Chinese, and we knew his family.  Uh…WTF.  The guy is NOT a keeper.  JUST because he’s Asian makes him ok?  Does she not get that he would not stick around or take care of, nor respect me over the long haul??  She would rather I just end up with a Chinese guy, even if he was as ass.  How fucked up is that?  Well, a few years later he knocked up one of the other girls from that group I knew in church.  And what did my mom have to say to that, you ask?  Nothing.  She’d never admit he was a loser or that she gave bad advice.  Stupid lady.  I hate her.  She pisses me off.

I am soooo disconnected from my divine self, from my peace, from forgiveness and from acceptance.  I don’t operate out of a place of love or serenity.  I have no idea when or if it will come.  I really feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.  God, help me.

Did I mention how much I hate my mom?  Yeah, let me state that again.  Man, I can’t figure out how to make peace with all the wounds in that relationship.

I went home last week to AZ.  I went to look at property because I am considering buying an investment home there.  The other part of my trip home was also to join my sis’ family on their vacation to San Diego.  I also had the opportunity to visit my company’s headquarters in SD for some face time.

I was only home in AZ for a couple of days before we drove to San Diego.  One of those days I took off and went looking at homes with my realtor.  The other day I worked from AZ.  It was kind of complicated that day because my nephew really wanted to stay home with me, but I was concerned that he would be a distraction from my work.  My sis kept insisting he’d be good, so I relented.  Later on, what complicated matters was that I was helping my brother purchase some furniture for my mom’s house.  My mom had to be there to receive the furniture, but between the two of us we only had one car. 

Anyway, to make a long story short, my selfish mother bitched and griped when I drove her over to her house to wait for the furniture delivery.  I had drop my mom off at her house and I had to take the car and drive back to my sister’s house because I couldn’t work at my mom’s house because she doesn’t have an internet connection there.  My mom was pissed about not having the car with her.  Here I was, trying to explain to her that it was the only solution based on what was going on that day.  She couldn’t really leave her house anyway since the furniture delivery was 4 hour window.  On the drive over to drop her off at her house, she started yelling at me and telling me how I was always the one who gave her grief while I was growing up and how I was always getting in trouble and doing bad things.  Ok, I admit I was not an angel, but WTF kind of parent lords that over their kid?  Well, I shot back shit to her as well, telling her what an awful mom she’s been over the years and bringing stuff up about her as well.

When my dad died my mom did not cope well at all.  Now, I can only imagine how the death of a spouse can be devastating.  I mean, here is the one person who has shared sooo many memories with you (they were married ~20 years when he died).  In my mom’s case my dad really took care of her.  He was the glue that held the family together. 

I was 16 when my dad died.  It was December and it happened just a few days before our winter break, about a week before Christmas.  The details about that night I’ll share another time, but the part that is wreaking havoc with my emotions now were the few years that followed his death.

My mom started dating again, which just soooo fucked me up.  She started seeing this really creepy Mexican guy.  I’m not sure how she met him, but the guy was a total ass.  He was always a point of contention between all of us.  I was pissed that my siblings were all out of the house except for me because  I saw and experienced first hand more of her crap than I should have back then.  My siblings NEVER had to see it and I totally resent that fact.  He was seriously sketchy.  He was an illegal immigrant, I’m sure.  I don’t think he had a job.  He drove a crappy car. 

This guy would call and harrass us, demanding to know where my mom was, or just calling and hanging up on us.  Well, he’d only hang up if us kids answered, but never if my mom answered.  He knew we wouldn’t take his crap.  My siblings and I would tell him to quit calling and hanging up on us.  He was too scared of us.  But my stupid mom would tell him to dismiss us and she’d just continue to hang out with him.  He was totally controlling and at one point I saw bruises on my mom’s leg and arm, and to this day I swear he probably hurt her in some way but I’ve never asked her about it  and she would probably never admit anything.  He’d drive by the house just to see if my mom was home and to make sure she wasn’t with another guy.  I heard him call her a lying bitch a lot.  WTF!!!  There was one time when I was sleeping in on a Saturday.  Here I am, in high school, being a lazy teen, sleeping in.  I hear the doorbell ring and, of course, I knew it was him.  But I ignored it and figured my mom would handle it in whatever the fucked up way she would. I hear some verbal exchange of some sort, and then the next thing I know this guy is barging into the house and he comes into my room!!!!  OMG, I was pretending to sleep, but I was soooo scared.  Don’t get me wrong, I never thought I was going to be raped or anything, but I did not know what would happen if I said or did anything to confront him.  There WAS one time when he came to the house and I called the cops on him, but that was the only time.  Anyway, so I’m freaked out, lying in bed, and pretending to sleep.  I hear him going through the house.  He was always accusing my mom of being with other men and not trusting her, so he was ”checking” the house for other men.  WTF!!!  HOW THE FUCK COULD MY MOM LET HIM DO THAT???  OMG, I am so pissed when I think about that.  Did she have no regard for the safety of her kids?  Did she not realize what she was doing to us?  Even more importantly, did she not know what she was doing to herself and to her family??

And get this….  so, while my mom chose to hang out with this fucker, I tried to stay open-minded, at least initially.  I mean, I understand how someone needs companionship in old age and how freaked out she was about being alone.  So I tried to tell her that it was fine if she was hanging out with him, but just to keep the fucker away from me because I didn’t respect him.  I also just asked that she be honest about where she was going and who she was hanging out with.  So some time passes and she tells me she’s not seeing him.  Now, here I am in high school, ok?  I’m seriously needing guidance and should be enjoying my couple of years before college.  Instead, here my mom is, staying out until 3, 4, 5AM, doing God knows what.  She never did tell me where she was or what she was doing all those times.  I was making my own dinners, even taking care of the family business, and just constantly fighting with my mom and playing the parent, wondering if when she’d get home, wondering what she was doing, and barely knowing how to deal with my own grief.  My siblings weren’t living at home during the time my dad’s illness got really bad.  I resent that too.  Oh man, I need help.  How do I make peace with all this anger?  It was SO unfair that I had to deal with it all.  To see it all.  To take it all.  To fucking TAKE CARE of it all. 

Anyway, so one time she told me she was going out with some girlfriend of hers (it’s a long story), but basically I caught her in a big web of lies and man did she look like a deer caught in the headlights.  Why the fuck would she lie?  OMG, after that I lost all respect for her and my trust for her was completely gone.  She had gone out with this guy when she flat out said she wasn’t. 

This guy was so sketchy that there was also one point when I remember seeing my mom take an envelope out of her purse that had a bunch of cash in it.  she said it was his and he asked her to hold it for her.  OMG…WTF!!  Drugs?  Stolen?  God knows what that money was from or for.  She said we were just causing trouble when we’d suggest that she not hold it for him.  Afterall, that’s what a bank is for, especially if he’s legit, right?  Of course, she doesn’t listen to us kids.  Her fucking man was so much more important.  Or maybe fucking her man was much more important.  Whichever.  Whatever.

I’m soooo hurting right now about all of it.  To hear my mom gripe on that drive over her house about what a bad kid I was really hurt.  After all these years does she not understand her role in that dynamic?  Why do the kids have to be the ones to acquiese to her selfish actions and desires? 

Around the 10 year anniversary of my dad’s death I thought perhaps enough time had passed where I could try to talk to her about it.  I wrote before how some details are now fuzzy.  I just wanted some answers, some details about that time.  Oh man, she went off on me when I tried to understand more about the illness he had and the events of that time.  She yelled at me for bringing up questions that are better left unspoken.  Fuck her.  Better for who?  She’s such a selfish bitch. 

And I feel awful for calling her these things, but I am so hurt and so angry at all the resentment she’s felt and acted on towards me over the years. 

She was around maybe a whopping 1/2 day when I went home to visit.  That was it.  So much wanting me there.  She was off on her Vegas trip because I guess that was the better alternative than visiting her son and daughter in San francisco.  Fuck her.

One evening I went to visit my grandparents.  I was actually surprised at some of the advice and things they shared.  They were disgusted with the way my mom treats her kids.  They couldn’t believe she wouldn’t help me with my home purchase.  They told me I shouldn’t waste my time or money visiting my sister or mom or even them anymore.  Nothing against my sister, ‘tho.  I was really surprised they said that part because they were the ones who instilled the sense of loyalty and family in us all.  They said I was better off just taking care of myself and to spend my money on other things, essentially saying ‘if your mom isn’t going to give you the time of day, then you shouldn’t give her the time of day, either’.  Ok, I get that, but emotionally I haven’t figured out how to deal with it all yet.  Then my grandma and grandpa just said that they were old and it was ok for me not to visit them as much anymore.  Oh God, I so don’t want them to pass on.  I know it’s part of life, but they’ve been there for me so much more than my mom. 

I went home partly because in the past my sister and her kids tend to ground me in a lot of ways.  I know I’m mid-lifeing right now and usually her kids help put things in perspective.  But now that the kids are older, the dynamics are different.  I see now that they really have their family bonds and rituals, and I was the fifth wheel.  My sis would always welcome me, but spending time with them this time really made me aware that I’m all alone.  I have to take care of myself in every aspect and at the end of the day I don’t have that one person I want to share or could trust my life with. 

I’m getting closer to quitting my job too.  It’s a long story, but my mid-life caused me to have a ‘talk’ with my manager and now I just feel awkward and so out-of-place in my office.  I was looking to quit after a year and then taking some time to travel, but maybe I should just quit asap, with no plan.  Maybe I should just pack a backpack and go somewhere. 

I’m self-destructing and having the worse mid-life crisis right now.  I don’t know how to cope or to get through this phase.  I’m crying all the time, I’m having trouble sleeping.  I’m not really socializing these days.  I did go hiking with friends on Sunday, ‘tho.  I hate my job.  I feel stifled.  I feel confused.  I’m literally self-destructing.  It started with the job change and now it’s carrying over to my personal life and just the lack of caring about me, about life, about anything right now.

Lord, if you’re there, I really need your strength and help right now.  Amen.

I can’t seem to move past this ‘rut’ in my life.  I’m wondering what my purpose is.  I’m trying to find my place, the meaning, the point of it all.  Instead of mellowing in “old age,” I feel more stressed and fearful of the future.  I have no idea how to cope and find my way through it.  Everytime I feel like I’m making progress, I slip back into this sad depth that I didn’t think still existed.  WTF is wrong with me??

——————- 

Place In This World
by Michael W. Smith 

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I’m

CHORUS:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me I’m

CHORUS

When I started my new job back in November, it was always my intention to move closer to it.  My current commute is at least 45 minutes one way and there was no way I would have taken it without planning to move.  Various things came up since then and I had a hard time finding a place I wanted to move to.  Then the home purchase didn’t work out and I still haven’t moved.  Here I am, 8 months later and the long commute is really starting to wear on me.  Earlier this week I had a talk with my manager about it.  Well, we sat down to talk about it and I basically broke out in tears.  I have been so stressed lately about work, my commute, my ex, the house hunting, and life in general that when he asked a simple question about me showing up late the last few days, I just told basically starting crying, and trying to tell him between sobs, without dumping all the details on him, that the commute was really affecting my personal life.  I am not really one to get emotional at work - ever - so I felt so unprofessional having done that.  He was actually very understanding, ‘tho, and was trying to be accomodating.  He was open to having me work a couple of days from home, and I was just so thrilled that he was so cool about it.  So this last Thursday I worked from home.  I thought it went fine, but then today he called me into his office and took back what he said.  He said working from home was not an option anymore and that I basically had two options:  1.  sign an agreement stating that I understood my work hours to be x to x, or 2. sign an agreement stating that I’d have x days to find another job.  Option 1 is so that I could be measured and held more accountable.  Option 2 is so that I’d stay on the payroll and be able to say I left on my own without saying I was ‘let go’. 

Ok, so first of all, I want to say that my co-worker has been a big part of the problem.  She’s such a pain in the butt to work with, and more than once my manager has told me he knows how she is and to ignore her.  Everyone in the office complains about her, but none of them have to work with her on a daily basis like I do.  When I worked from home on Thursday I later found out from other co-workers that she was making a huge fuss the entire day.  They said she was making snide remarks about me being out of the office and such all day.  She really pisses me off.

There are two other things that piss me.  The first thing that pisses me off is that when I was first hired, within the first month of being there, my hiring manager left the company.  Why the F**K hire me when you’re just going to leave?  Daggit, I hate business.  Everything is so personal when it affects you directly, even if they say, “it’s just business.”  Just business my ass!!!  He was actually the guy I wanted to work for.  I felt I could learn so much from him.  I could tell he was shrewd but fair.  And then I get stuck under this guy.  This guy is sharp too, but I could tell that fundamentally he is a sales guy at heart and that’s not really something I can relate to. 

The other thing hat pisses me off is that my job scope changed drastically when I got hired.  I was told that this woman and I would become like a team and be able to cross train and basically be able to do each other’s job if one of us was out of the office.  The woman has been nothing but territorial about her work and has been so difficult when it comes to sharing her knowledge and training me on things.  Eventually my manager just kept our job responsibilities separate, which then means the skills and things I had hoped to learn by taking this job are a lot less than I was expecting. 

Ok, so in the course of the conversation earlier this week about my commute making me miserable, I made the mistake of taking his openness and understanding at face value and basically was honest about the job not being what I was promised or what I was expecting.  He said he would do what he could to keep me happy and that I just needed to give him a few days to figure something out and that I should just ignore that woman in the meantime. 

So, like I said, he took back what he said and basically gave me these ultimatums.  I can’t say I was totally surprised.  I mean, half of what was stressing me out so much was knowing that if I was him, I wouldn’t be too happy with the office hours I had been setting for myself either.  I guess I was also really used to my previous employer who never really cared about the hours I set as long as my work was done on time.  I was really spoiled there.

I basically have the weekend to think about what I want to do.  He wants a follow up discussion about it on Monday.  I am stressing like crazy, and I know it’s a stupid thing to stress over.  I’m smart, intelligent, and I know I’d be able to find another job and take care of myself.  The problem is that I still don’t know what my work bliss is, so to take another job would probably just end up in another miserable situation.  There’s a false sense of security in a paycheck.  I’ve never really had a break from working, either (besides vacations, but that’s not what I’m talking about).  I went straight to work from college, I switched jobs 3xs without any real down time between jobs, so the idea of 2 or more months off is scary.  I think that’s what I need, but the fear is overwhelming. 

I hate fear.  Fear is everywhere in me right now.  I’ll elaborate on this later.  For now, all I can say is that I feel so paralyzed, so uncertain, and so displaced right now in life.  Ugh.  What to do?  What to do? 

I still can’t get over how or why I name random people in my dreams.  This has been happening a lot lately where some random person in my dream who has no connection to anyone I know in real life, is given a name.  Who are they and where do they come from?  Where does their name come from?

It makes me wonder if my brain is really just processing stuff and somehow it manifests itself into this figure.  Or maybe the name is really some weird brain computation and the letters are really some sort of alphabetical code?  Or even a numerological code.   In this particular case, maybe I’ve found my inner poet.  Ha ha.

I’m curious to see what, if any, funky dreams I have tonight.

Good night!

Am I the only one who has dreams where the people in it are given names?  You know, most people dream about people they know.  My dreams, however, involve characters I don’t know in real life, and names are given to them that are just as random.

This morning I had these funky dreams.  I was drifting in and out of consciousness after my alarm went off this morning.  I remember I was watching this guy who was standing in the middle of this grassy field.  It was like a tropical island of some sort with lots of tropical trees and clear blue water surrounding it.  I was physically there with him, but quite a distance away from him.  It was as if I was watching a documentary or on a movie set, but not quite really in there with him.  There were all these planes flying around him (3, I think), swooping in really close, then pulling up and buzzing around in all sorts of directions.  It was clear to me that the planes were doing this because there was some sort of tracking device or lasers or something in the planes where they had to do that in order to take a 3-dimensional picture of the situation.  For some reason I know this guy’s name is “Rob Nob-Lob” (sp?  ha ha).  I have no idea how I came up with this name.  I don’t know anyone in real life whose name is like that.  Anyway, so this guy is ducking and using his hands to cover his head since the planes are coming in so close to him.   Then he stops and looks at this clear blue device in his hand.  I can tell he’s wondering what it is.  And then just as quickly as he started to look at the device, all sorts of sirens go off.  I think whatever the planes were doing, they realized that this guy would soon find out something or find out how the gov’t knows all of his actions.  I’m guessing the blue thing is some sort of tracking device.  Anyway, I can’t remember much else that happened to him at this point in my dream.  My memory is fuzzy now after waking up.

Ok, so then the next thing I clearly remember is that it’s chaos.  Sirens are going off and planes are flying all around.  Suddenly there are people dressed in military uniforms running around this grassy area.  My ex, Sean, apprears and he grabs my right hand and yells, “Come on!”  He starts to run towards this grassy area.  In my other hand I am pulling an empty grocery cart, not by the handle but from the opposite end.  There’s another girl there, but I don’t know who or what she is.  It’s just a vague impression of a person I know is there.  She is dark haired and wearing white. 

Sean is holding my hand and running towards the grass.  There are 2 military people standing to one side.  There’s one military guy standing to the other.  These three people are facing each other.  Some sort of verbal exchange goes on between these military people, something like, “DO YOU TRUST ME??”  “YES, I TRUST YOU!”  Everyone is yelling because there’s so much noise from the airplanes and sirens that are going off.  We’re running towards these people and the next thing I know the guy standing to our left shoots at the 2 people to our right with a rifle.  The people to our right are not phased.  When the shooting stops, the guy who was being shot at just laughs hysterically.  The guy to our left does too and he goes, “Man, you really thought I was going to shoot you, huh?”  And the guy to my right says something like, “Yeah, I didn’t know what you were really going to do.”  And then I realize that it was some sort of game of chicken or something between these guys. 

So then Sean and I just sit down on the grass where we are at, cross legged.  We sat down in this really weird way where we are very entwined and we are holding each other close and I say, “I love you so much, Sean” and he squeezes my hands to his chest and kisses my forehead.  That other dark-haired mystery woman who was wearing white had also appeared again and had sat down next to us when we sat down.

Then I woke up.

My mom seriously pisses me off.  See, this last series of posts began with my decision to purchase a condo.  I had asked her if she would help me purchase a place and she flat out said ‘no’.  It wasn’t a matter of her not being able, nor was it a matter of not wanting to.  It’s a matter of her holding onto her money so tightly that she just doesn’t do anything with it at all. 

She sold our childhood home a while back and has since moved in with my sister.  We tried to explain to her that since she was practically living with my sister before the sale of the house, she should have just kept that house and rented it out.  It was in a very good location and would not have had any trouble finding occupants.  Then it would more than supplement any expenses she had, which are none besides what she does for fun.  My sister pays for her car, let’s her live in her house for free, and covers insurance and everything else for her.  She even gave her a spare room.  My mom is free to come and go as she pleases.  The only thing that is ‘understood’ is that my mom provide day care now and then, although now that the kids are older and have afterschool activities, my mom really doesn’t do much in exchange for all the privileges my sister has given her.

The fact that my mom lives with sister pisses me off too.  My mom is always complaining about my sister and nags her about the way she takes care of her kids and makes rude comments about her husband all the time.  She has never expressed any appreciation for all the things my sister sacrifices in order to take care of her.  And the thing is, my mom is perfectly able bodied and can take care of herself.  She just treats my sister and my sister’s husband like crap.

So anyway, when my mom started living with my sister, we tried to get her to rent out her house rather than just have it sit empty.  She refused to listen to us and then the next thing we knew she sold it.  Never during that process did she tell any of us what she had done.  I never got a chance to go home and give it one last good-bye.   It was really hard for me to accept that fact.  It still hurts now knowing that I didn’t get a chance to pack up what remained in my room there.  She put all of my stuff somewhere in storage which, to this day, I have no idea where my stuff is at.  The times I went home since then to sift through my stuff she’s been “conveniently busy” when I ask her to show me where the stuff is so that I can start going through the last of my things there.  I wonder if she threw away my old yearbooks or if she threw away the box of photos from my high school years.  Man, I hate her right now. 

Anyway, so back to this condo purchase.  When I told her about it I asked if she’d help me out.  There’s a law where you can ‘gift’ someone 10K and there wouldn’t be a tax penalty.  She refused, and started yelling at me and asking me how I could even think to ask her for that money.  She is, afterall, supposedly this poor, lonely widow who only has the proceeds from her house to live on and to last her through until her death.  I knew she would say ‘no’, but somewhere I always hope that she’s got some sort of goodness somewhere, or that old age would mellow her a bit and that she’d do something because she can and because I am her daughter.  I guess that’s where I always end up hating her again and again.  I hold out for hope that her heart and attitude would change, but it hasn’t.  It’s really not about the money, but when I think about it, she made a lot in that sale, and 10K is nothing at all for her.  When she complained about how that was all the money she had to live on, I reminded her that my sister was paying for every other expense for her, the roof over her head, the car she uses, the food they eat, etc.  I asked her why she never offerred to at least help pay off the car that my sister pays for her to use.  Then she got mad at me for saying those things.  My mom has all this money, lives for free with my sister, and still refuses to part with any of her money.  How selfish is that?  Then my mom had the nerve to turn it back on me and yelled at me for not saving enough for the downpayment and for me to stop taking all the trips that I have.  I was livid when she said this.  I’ve seen the way she lives and there is no way in heck I want to live a sheltered life like hers.  I guess it never occurred to her that at the age of 32 her daughter has already managed to save and invest probably the equivalent of what she’s got now.  Yes, I may not have the liquid cash for the downpayment, but that’s only because I was so focused on my retirement investments.  I shouldn’t have said anything and just waited a more few months to purchase.  I hate her so much right now.  And my trips?  They have been the things that I live for and the things that keep me grounded.  I thought it was family and your parents who are supposed to keep you grounded.  Yea, right.  She certainly doesn’t do that for me at all.

It’s not really about the money, anyway.  It’s the fact that I’ve never asked for much from her -ever.  The few times in my life that I have asked for something, she’s never given me it, nor has she ever offered anything when she clearly saw what my need was.  She always turns it around and makes me feel bad for going to her for something.  For pete’s sake, she’s my mother!  What kind of sorry a** mother doesn’t ever help her kid out? 

Ok, so I knew asking her to help was going to end up in a ‘no’, and that was fine.

But then this past week my aunt was driving up to SF to visit my cousins (two of her sons moved up here).  My mom tried to get a ride with her, claiming she wanted to come visit me and to look at places with me.  It turns out my aunt brought a smaller car and they didn’t have room for my mom.  So my mom calls me to tell me how pissed she is that her sister didn’t find room for her.  Ok, whatever, right?  So I tell my mom to get a cheap tix on Southwest and fly out here so that even ‘tho she doesn’t drive up with my aunt, she can at least be here at the same time and we can all still hang out.  My mom said, I don’t want to spend the money (oh, gee, really?) and that it’s such a pain to fly solo (uh-huh).  So that was that and she was all, “Your aunt is so selfish.  Sorry, maybe next time.”  Then I talk to my sister the other day and I was bitching about my mom.  I remember clearly saying something like, “Mom is such a pain.  She’ll buy a $200 coach purse, but she won’t buy a $200 ticket to come visit me.” 

Oh, the coach purse is another story.  My mom bought me this TINY purse from coach that costs about $250.  I am not a fashion diva, nor do I care for labels.  I’ve just never been like that.  I’m perfectly happy with my Wal-Mart clothes and shoes I’ve worn since high school.  It’s funny how opposite us kids turned out compared to my mom.  She’s always cared about image and designer labels, and the rest of us were always happy with whatever was functional and practical.  Anyway, even the purse was a huge argument.  I told her that buying a $250 purse was stupid if she was so concerned with money.  She should go on a trip or buy food instead.  Do things that really matter.  A purse will just break or go out of style.  She got pissed at me and yelled at me for telling her what to do with her own money.  It was her money and she’d do as she pleases with it.  So I relented and took the purse from her.  In that weird way I know it makes my mom feel good to see me using that purse, and so I use it.  But the whole time I’m using it I am just thinking, what a waste of money.  How pretentious is that?  And I’m happier with a $5 knock off somewhere.

The same goes for jewelry.  My mom loves jewelry and has expensive tastes.  When I was growing up she’d always buy me things.  I never wore most of what she bought and so finally one time I just flat out refused to take something she had purchased for me.  It was a big fight, but i simply told her that it was a waste of money for her to buy it and that if I took it it would just sit in a safe somewhere.  I said if she was going to get me something then just me a gift cert somewhere or give me cash.  I told her that I don’t wear those things and that I wouldn’t get any use out of it, so buying it was a waste of money.  That is a very rational argument, yes?  Boy, I could see how hurt and upset my mom was.  Buying me pretty shiney things is simply stupid. 

Argh. 

Ok, so back to the plane ticket thing.  My last comment to my sister was, “Mom is such a pain.  She’ll buy a $200 coach purse, but she won’t buy a $200 ticket to come visit me.” 

Today I called up my sister to tell her I had sent my itinerary for my trip over July 4 to visit my family in AZ and to travel with my sis’ family to San Diego during that time.  I was going over some things about what I was planning to do while I was in AZ.  My sis then tells me that my mom is planning on going to Las Vegas that weekend for some sort of outing with friends.  WTF?  She has no problem paying for a trip to Vegas with friends, but she has a problen paying for a trip to come visit me and my brother in SF??  This pissed me off, but more bitterly IT HURTS LIKE HELL when I think about how my mom makes me feel.  I have never, ever, ever in my entire life ever felt like we came first.  I know for a fact that if we were not a Chinese family, that most people would have just disowned and disassociated themselves with such a parent by now.  I hate her and I hate everything about her.  I hate how she brought me up and I hate how neurotic I feel when it comes to the way I cope and react and interact with the world around me. 

I was talking to someone the other day whom I had just met and they made a comment about how normal, happy, and intelligent I appeared to be, and then he teasingly said, “there’s gotta be something wrong with you.”  And there, in the back of my mind, I thought that if anyone knew the real me, any admiration or love would go away along with that realization. I hate my mom, I hate how she’s raised me with all of my messed up complexes, and I hate how I can’t seem to make peace with myself right now.  It was also during this moment that I realized that I still have a long way to go before I’d be healthy enough for a healthy relationship, and this was the same moment when I decided I had to let my ex go. 

And then, as if God was listening, I came home that evening and my ex called after we had not spoken for two days.  In some ways I think the Lord was saying, “Ok, you know what you have to do.  Are you willing to trust me and do it, or do you want to keep doing it your way?”  And so I took a few deep breaths and let the words come from my heart.  It was a friendly, loving ending to a good relationship.  Good endings make good beginnings.  I know the Lord was pleased with the loving honesty in that conversation.  Now I am taking a few more deep breaths and I am waiting for the Lord to show me the way through the next item on my list of “emotional junk” that I need to sift through.

So the now official ex called me tonight and apologized for some of the harsh words we exchanged on Friday.  It took a lot for him to apologize, which I really appreciated.  I also apologized for being so whiney and complaining so much lately about the real estate stuff to him.

It would have been so easy to just accept the apology and know that all was well and make up and move on to our next date together.  I do really like him and enjoy the time we spend together, but I had to really be honest with what is in my heart and I really want someone who is physically here and emotionally present with me at all times.  I’ve always known that I can’t do the long-distance thing, and I just can’t keep letting myself develop feelings for him.

We both understand what the issues are and there aren’t really any hard feelings or misunderstandings.  We didn’t argue.  We just talked honestly about what was working and what wasn’t, and we talked about the things we need and the things we both need to do and to figure out. 

It hurts, it sucks, and I want to be with him right now, but we agreed to part in that sad, ‘let’s-be-friends-but-we-know-we-can’t-really’-type of way.  As hard as it is, it’s the only decision that feels right.

*sigh*

Breaking up is soooo hard to do.