Drawing Near To God

Worship.

What does this word bring to mind?

The last few weeks that I’ve been to church I can’t contain myself during the praise and worship part of service. When I’m singing along, I feel like my heart is wanting to jump out out of my body and declare how wonderful God is and all the magnificent ways He’s been working in my life. I find myself singing louder, I find myself lifting my hands, clapping, dancing, and just shouting unto the Lord. It’s weird. All my life I never really understood some of these demonstrative folks in church, and even in the last year since I’ve been attending this church, I often thought I just wasn’t getting something, as if I had missed a memo somewhere along the way.

And now?

Now I’ve become one of them. I get it. I get how real and magnificent He is. The Lord is so in me now. He’s so near to me. His presence is everywhere and I see it in everything and everyone I meet now. And those of you who are standing where I once was, on the outside looking in and scratching your heads, I pray that God will reveal himself to you when it’s your time and when it’s according to His plans for your life. You’ll see. One day it will happen and you’ll never be the same.

It really is all about Him. It really is all about offering up your life to Him as a sacrifice of praise. To thank him for being who He is and for always loving me even during the darker times of my life when I was pursuing selfish desires of my own will. God had never changed. He’s always been the same omnipotent God who was there all throughout my life, but who was waiting for me to open myself up to Him. God doesn’t force himself into your life. He patiently waits, continues to work in you, but never forces you to partner up with Him. He wants that relationship with you, but he waits until you ask. He doesn’t want someone to follow Him blindly. Keep seeking your truth. Keep testing your faith. Keep asking questions and keep on keeping on.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Love ya,
RM

The Book Study – Chapter 1

Previous posts:
The Book Study

“In my Father’s House”, by Mary Kassian.

You can read more about this book here.

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Part 1: The Father Relationship

Chapter 1: The Fatherhood of God

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One word to sum up my thoughts on this chapter: WOW.

6/18/06

I’m generally a fast reader and after reading just the introduction and first chapter, I was ready to read on and finish up this book. It’s good. It’s really good. I don’t want to be too eager, ‘tho. I think there’s so much depth in what I’ve already read that to rush through the reading would be a disservice to myself. The insight and wisdom that is available to me in this reading is abundant. I must have reread the selection about 10xs today and each time new things would jump out at me. I literally had to force myself to slow down and take a few moments to really internalize all the spiritual truths that resonated with me.

The lightbulb that clicked days ago about God being the “ultimate Father” has brought my relationship with God to a whole new level. I relate differently to him now. I know his presence and power is very real, but previously I had this sense that there was still something unobtainable about him and the promises that he says are available to me. This view is slowly changing.

I no longer view him as this nebulous, all-encompassing power. My brain and being will never fully understand God or his higher ways, but that’s ok. I’ve been experiencing his presence like never before, with the latest moment occuring at church today. My heart flipflopped with so much joy that I seriously can’t get enough of him. I find myself falling in love with the Lord and I just can’t contain myself!

He is the “ultimate Father”, and I am his chosen daughter. It is this idea that I am pursuing going forward. The concept that he is my protector, my nurturer, my encourager, my provider of all my needs and of unconditional love – all the things that an earthly father is to instill in us.

Kassian points out that if our earthly father is able to instill those good things in us, then a relationship with our Heavenly Father is easier to grasp and to relate to, but if that earthly relationship is tarnished, then we project those skewed perceptions on to our relationship with God, and accepting God’s love is that much more difficult. This might be a ‘no brainer’, but this is so much more than an intellectual concept. A Father-Daughter (or Father-Son) relationship with God is so very real. More real to me now than even some of the relationships I see around me.

6/19/06

Today I’ve been reflecting on what Kassian states on page 12 (see below for exerpt). What I’ve been thinking about today is the importance of choosing a partner who has the qualities I’d like to pass on to my future children. Is it just the total character of a man that would somehow encompass those fatherly traits, or is it possible to find a guy who is good in character but still lacking in the paternal instincts? Are the two sets of character traits independent of each other or, if one is present, then does that mean the other set of traits are naturally there too?

I’ve also been thinking about my relationship with my earthly father and how the dynamics of that relationship is projected onto my relationship with God. I’m still mulling over those thoughts, so more on that later.

6/24/06

Much has been happening in my heart and in my life this week. I’ve been rereading and reflecting on this chapter and I just can’t put it all into words here. You can catch a glimpse of His current workings in my life through my previous post here, “Opening the Eyes of My Heart“.

I’ll end this week’s ‘book study’ with a prayer:

Father God,

Thank you for being the awesome and wonderful God that you are. Thank you for loving me as intimately as you do, and for showing me who you are in my life and in my surroundings. I ask you to continue searching my heart for anything and everything that needs to be resolved, that needs to be made right, and that needs to be given over to you. Your ways are higher than my ways. Remind me of that, Lord, and continue to give me patience, strength, and courage to follow you, despite my circumstances and some of the disappointments I’ve been going through lately. Continue to bless me, Father, and help me to be a blessing to others.

In Your son’s holy name,
Amen

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Reference excerpts:

page 5

When Jesus was on earth, his whole message was: “Come meet my Dad!” “Look at me,” he said, “see what my Dad is like.” “See how I imitate him!” “Let me tell you how much my Dad loves me!” “The love I have for you shows you how much my Dad loves you!” “The miracles I do are a result of the compassion and power of my Dad!” “The words I say, the things I teach, are truths from my Dad!” “Listen to me talk to my Dad.” “Watch me spent time with my Dad.” “Through me, he can be your Dad too!”

Jesus’ message appeals to a fundamental need of the human heart: the need to be well fathered. Bringing us into a relationship with our heavenly Father was Christ’s ultimate mission and goal. It was the reason he gave his life. Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me” (John 14:6). We enter into a relationship with Jesus so that he will lead us into the Father’s house. At its root, a relationship with the Father is what the gospel is all about.”

page 11

…Many Christians can quote John 14:6 that Jesus is the only way, but we may miss the key phrase. Jesus didn’t say, “No one gets to go to heaven without me.” He said, “No ones comes to the Father.” According to Jesus, “coming to the Father” is what Christianity is all about. It’s the ultimate goal of salvation.

I have seen many Christians minimize or neglect the importance of working on their relationship with the Father. This is a sad reflection of the times in which we live. Women are told that relating to God as Father is outdated, oppressive, and patriarchal. Men are told that emphasis on God’s fatherhood is chauvinistic. As a result, many miss out, for they do not enter into the highest, richest, and most rewarding aspect of their whole relationship with God.

page 12

Try as we might to run from the concept of father, however, God had it hardwired into our souls. When God created people, he made them into the form of a family with a father and a mother. He did so because he knows what we need. Children need to come to trust an earthly dad so they will have the ability to trust the heavenly father.

Opening the Eyes of My Heart

Lately I’m just amazed at the way that God is working in my life. It’s difficult to articulate, but God has clearly been at work bringing certain people closer into my life, or bringing new and unusual characters into my life. By this, I mean people whom I’d never think in a million years would become my friends. It is a beautiful and valuable thing to have friends who are so different from you and who challenge you in different ways. I’m also just amazed at how certain needs, desires, and lessons are being filled and learned through these seemingly ‘random’ relationships that are either being formed, or that are being developed further.

Through one deepening of a friendship, I’ve discovered a woman with so much depth, life experiences, and just a pure and sincere love for others. She’s been such a blessing sharing her insights and life perspective. I’m learning how life will continually throw a curve ball into so many things and how sometimes the most wonderful blessings are the ones you get once you’ve truly submitted a desire or want to God and his plans. There’s a grace that develops when you decide to let life take it’s course, come what may. She’s truly an inspiration.

Through a new friendship made recently, I’m learning the lesson of loving without expectations, of encouraging someone through their struggles, and of accepting that more often than not, people don’t always know how to receive love in whatever form, gesture, experience, or method that it is given or offered. Sometimes the best way to love is to let go, let God, and to pray for them often; and sometimes the way you want to love is not the way that the other needs to be loved. I hope this friend finds what they need in life.

Through a recent renewing of an old friendship, I’m learning that time often does dissolve disagreements, that time does really show you how strong a friendship really is, and how in time most conflicts were long resolved, only someone needs to make the first move in order to recognize this. It’s the only way to carry the relationship to another level of understanding. I love how much closer I am to this friend through all of this. I truly thought the relationship was lost, but it’s been rekindled with a stronger bond than before.

And even through old and lost relationships, God is showing me where and how love existed, where and how I was in touch with my spirit (and where I was not), and how I was able to pass that intangible feeling and knowing of love onto other people. He’s showing me how to keep trusting that process, to keep trusting that operating from that place of love is really the only thing that matters, and how, in so many unexpected ways, someone else’s imprint of love can touch you not by purposeful intentions, but just by ‘being’ a vessel for God and love to work through you.

He’s slowly becoming real to me and that ‘personal relationship’ that you hear so many people talk about is exactly the thing that I’ve got now. He’s speaking to me, He’s showing me who he is, He’s opening the eyes of my heart, and He’s clearly using me to bless others.

Love ya,
RM

Run #3

Today’s run was 3 miles. My pace group ran it in 39:13. About a 13 minute mile using the 3 min run : 1 min walk ratio. Not bad, although for some reason I was struggling a bit today. We also ran it along the beach today instead of through Golden Gate Park like last week. And today was super foggy!! It was nice, actually. It was almost like a small ‘getaway’ because of the stark contrast to clear, sunny skies on the peninsula.

I finally met Steve, the other guy who had been MIA the last couple of weeks. Turns out he’s actually the director of the SF AIDS Foundation, which is the group that I’m running with again. Pretty cool! He’s been in the position for only 6 months and this is his first half marathon! I have such admiration for people who just continually challenge themselves in so many ways. I hope to grow old gracefully like that. It’s just such a privilege to be sharing this experience with them.

Irma and I grabbed Korean food for lunch when we got back to our side of the bay. MMMmmm… so tasty!!

She and I had a great talk over lunch. I’ve known her ever since I started working at my company about 6 years ago, but only worked in the same group with her for the last ~2 years, until the recent reorg that switched me to another group a few months ago. We never really had much overlap or spent much time together until recently.

I’m going to miss the next two runs due to my trip, so 4 miles will be run in Houston and 5 miles will be run in Phoenix. Let’s hope I stay disciplined enough to keep up with the maintenance runs!

Cheers!

20 Things I Miss About Not Having A Relationship

Ok, back from dinner and the movies.

What can I say? I’ve calmed down a bit from my last post, but rather than go off all the reasons why men suck and then feeling bad for posting it, I’m going to give 20 reasons I miss about a relationship.

1. Being able to rant like this to someone and having them think it’s cute

2. Unlimited hugs

3. Hugs that make every problem seem insignificant by comparison

4. Cooking dinner together, then snuggling in front of a DVD for the evening

5. Private jokes/rituals/routines

6. Knowing someone’s indiosycrasies

7. Having my own idiosycrasies known

8. Lounging around outside, under the stars, near the water on a warm summer night like tonight.

9. Sharing my dreams with someone

10. Dreaming with someone

11. Being able to spoil someone with affection and attention

12. Being together in the same house, but doing our own thing

13. Double dates

14. Having someone kill ants/spiders/bugs for me – lol

15. Having a rational, logical mind to bounce things off of

16. Having someone else drive the car

17. Snuggling, random hugs, and kisses for no reason

18. Falling asleep and waking up in their arms

19. A steady dancing partner

20. A tolerant karaoke partner

The Caterpillar Soon To Be Butterfly

Dreams.

Are they really windows to the soul? Do they really reveal more about our lives than we are able to process on the conscious level? If we really took the time to analyze them would they provide answers to our questions? Or insights to our circumstances and desires?

The last couple of nights I had some bizarre dreams and I have no doubt that they are related to a few relationships in my life right now. Those relationships, compounded by some stress at work, my mom’s sudden barrage of phone calls and well-intended questions about my personal life (this always happens after the birth of a child somewhere – lol!!), and my upcoming ~3 weeks away from home here (I’m really going to miss out on my some of my favorite activities here in the bay area), it doesn’t surprise me if my soul is trying to tell me something. A lot is going on and I’m just trying to process it as gracefully and as ’sanefully’ as I can.

Dream #1 – 007 aka “Super Spy Chick”
I can’t remember all the details, except that I was super spy chick! LOL!! Sydney Briscoe (Alias) has got nothing on me! I was fighting ninjas, slithering between infrared laser beams and kicking a** with all my cool karate moves and shaolin art. I was darting gracefully down a white hallway, dodging obstacles of all kinds (people, booby traps, things being thrown at me, etc.). There was more, but that’s mostly what I remember.

Dream #2 – Buck, Is That You?
This dream was just as bizarre as the first one. This time I was in some sort of sci-fi, Buck Rogers-type of situation. I don’t really remember anything about what I was doing, except that I was aboard some sort of spacecraft and wearing outfits that were clearly like that from an episode of Buck Rogers. The dream had a Dr. Who feel to it. I love the old Dr. Who episodes with the doctor who wore the long knitted scarf. Anyone remember that guy or am I dating myself here?? LOL!!

Friend’s Dream – CLEAR!
The other day a friend told me about his dream involving his ex. He said he was in a hospital room waiting to be seen by the doctor and his ex was mugging the doctor. I didn’t get a lot of details, but in the few sentences he shared, it was clear to me that his ex still had a stronghold on his emotions. He’s trying to move on, but he can’t get past certain things. Which then makes me wonder, why do some dreams reflect your current circumstances so accurately while others are just so bizarre?

Friend #2’s Dream – The Catepillar Soon To Be Butterfly
Today my other friend tells me about this really bizarre dream she had involving escaping from a burning home. Fire in so many ways represents transformation and change. I have no doubt that she is undergoing a metamorphosis in some area of her life.

As I was thinking about these dreams and the circumstances involved, I began to wonder… More often than not these days I’ve felt like my circumstances and surroundings have remained stagnant while my spiritual side is charging full speed ahead. I’ve been frustrated on many occasions when I still have to deal with the day-to-day when clearly my spirit knows what is important and what is not. I suppose the reverse could be true too. A person could be going through so many circumstantial changes that they’ve not had enough time to stop, reflect, and process the emotional changes involved.

My earthly body and the daily living has still not caught up with the place or pace where my spirit resides. How do we sync up the two parts of life? Is the key in our dreams? Or, perhaps, the fact that I’m having a increased number of weird dreams the key itself? Perhaps analysis is unnecessary. Perhaps knowing that the dreams are happening is the soul’s message to our conscious self. As we go through change or struggles, perhaps our dreams are just our soul’s way of saying, “Hey, you’re the caterpillar soon to be butterfly”.

Happy dreaming, ya’all!

Love ya,
RM

I Love You, Daddy

To my Dad on Father’s Day…

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

On this day I’m remembering the way you used to love singing along when I played those old Southern tunes on the piano like “Oh Susanna! “, “Dixie Land“, and “Old Black Joe“. Those were good times. I suppose they reminded you of your time growing up in Mississippi, didn’t they?

I love you!

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“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.”
- By Anne Sexton (1928-1974) U.S. poet

The Book Study

I’ve been posting a lot lately. My thoughts are constant and I can’t process or work through them fast enough to keep up with all the inner growth and awareness that’s happening within me.

In case you didn’t see my other post, something in me told me I should share my next bible/book study here on blogger. It’s a long story as to the significance of this study, but you can read all about that if you really want to in the ‘other post’ link.

The original book that inspired me to do this bible study was from Vicki’s blog, Windows to My Soul. Her post about the book, “The Embrace of The Father” was a timely post for me. She posted it during the time I was revisiting my grief a few weeks ago and, as I’ve stated before, I no longer believe in “random coincidences.” I read that post and immediately went to purchase it. It was too coincidental when I stumbled across her post. However, between the time I ordered the book and now, something was telling me this book wasn’t meant for me blog about in the intentional way I had planned. I still read the book and highly recommend it. It’s got that “Chicken Soup for the Soul” feel to it, with many wonderful short stories and tidbits for your soul to chew on.

Anyway, my perspective on God and his relationship to me has shifted significantly in the last week while I waited for this book to arrive. I realized the bigger picture was that I needed to grasp the concept that the ultimate Father is God and I need to learn and understand this profound fact if I am to grow in my relationship with Him. I am His chosen daughter and I need to understand how significant that really is.

And so, my dear blog readers, knowing nothing about this author, nor having read any of her previous books, I “stumbled across” this at the Christian bookstore today. I think “my knower” knew this was it. This is the book I’m going with.

“In my Father’s House”, by Mary Kassian.

You can read more about this book here.

My plan is to read and reflect on one chapter once a week. I’ll post my reflections on Sundays in case anyone wants to study or read along with me. Reading will commence on Sunday, June 18 (Father’s Day 2006 – how ironically appropriate! Could God’s timing be more perfect??). The first post will be on Jun 25th.

See you then!

Cheers,
RM

Run #2

My second week of training is going well.

My pace group is made up of 4 people:
- Irma (my co-worker)
- Joe (a very sharp and witty guy in his 60’s)
- myself
- Steve (Who I missed meeting last week, who didn’t show up this week, and whom I still have yet to meet!).

Another gal, Lisa (a 6th grade teacher who just quit her job and plans to travel after this run) joined us this week since the rest of her group didn’t show.

The four of us ran 2 miles along the beach and through Golden Gate Park. Along the way we saw a group of bison in the park. Who knew they lived there! It was pretty cool.

My last run I ran at the Berkeley Marina and it was just a very different crowd and group of people. I really enjoy the commute to the city (Irma and I have been carpooling), and the scenery in San Francisco during this time of year is just awesome!

This time I’m training at a ratio of 3:1, and my per mile minute is 14. It’s a bit slower than my previous training, but this time around I joined more as an encouragement for Irma to run rather than a personal challenge. She was really inspired by my running blog and my own personal experience that she wanted to join. She’s a lot like me in that sometimes trepidation can get the better of her, and something in me said this is something I should do with her. Last time it was all new to me so I had no idea what to expect. This time I plan to just really enjoy the running and the experience this time. I think as I progress in the training I will start to focus on a time goal (maybe aim for 2:30 completion time?) to give me some sort of goal to focus on, since I already know I can finish it.

And after the last two weeks, I also realized there’s a deep joy I receive when I hear Irma gush about how much she’s loving the training and how positive she’s feeling after the runs. I’m one of a handful of alumni who are training again with this group, so being around all these first-timers is just so refreshing. There’s such a sense of gratitude when I hear and see everyone just growing through their fears and really grasping their awesome ability to conquer any fears or personal demons that they have. It’s a good feeling and I sense that this time around the training and relationships I build will be pretty significant in terms of the path my life will take. But, I am getting ahead of myself here.

More later!

A Brilliant Idea

I had this brilliant idea the other day.

Ok, maybe not so brilliant, but I’m excited about it and “know in my knower” that this is something meant for a bigger purpose. Yeah, whatever that means. I just really believe in this idea and I feel it in my heart that some bigger good will come of this. I’m psyched to be using my blog to do this.

I’m going to start blogging about my personal bible studies. That’s really the point of this post so if you don’t want to be bored with my thought process behind the decision, you can stop reading here.

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I read all the time and enjoy all kinds of books. Put anything in print in front of me and I will read it, including labels and other random things. I go in spurts when it comes to reading. If I really like a topic I’ll read anything and everything about it for weeks. My recent interests were autobiographical stories, and now I’m starting a round of Christian-themed books. Yeah, that doesn’t come as a surprise to some of you, I’m sure. LOL.

I first thought of writing a weekly entry about the current book I’m reading and where I’m at with it, but that seemed very journalistic. I didn’t like the potential for that approach to just end up being just like a book review. I really would rather have this blog capture true thoughts, true feelings, true perspective of my life in it’s current moment, and to capture the mental and emotional processing of my life as I am living it.

Then I thought about the fact that I enjoy bible study time with friends, but sometimes I either find myself not really wanting to do a particular study, or I just don’t really want to share *all* of my personal thoughts and feelings with the group, or I just really find myself growing in ways that my home group is not fully nurturing at a particular period of time. I also find that I am often quite hesitant to write in depth about faith-matters because previous posts had a tendency to draw unappreciated comments/emails/IM’s. But I figure hey, this is where I’m at in life and this blog is not about who I offend or how many faithful readers I can get.

I thought about starting another blog solely dedicated to the book study(ies), but in the end decided not to compartmentalize my blog life like that. I’ve done that for too long in too many ways and decided I’ll just continue as is. My life is one continuous journey and one continuous story, and this book study will be reflected as such.

So, moving ahead with the blog bible study idea, my next question was, “what to study?” I had a couple of books in mind, and then today I went to the Christian bookstore to pick up a book I requested and decided to spend some time browsing.

Originally I thought about studying “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I studied it a few years ago and it was during this reading that I came to accept Christ. My faith story started months before I got this book, but that’s another post for another day. Perhaps soon I’ll add that story to blogger.

Then I thought, I’d love to study a couple of Christian-focused dating books, one that I’ve been wanting to read for a while now, the other that I still consult from time to time (:-P). And then I realized something.

Remember how recently I was revisiting the grief from my father’s death? Something “clicked” one day. The past couple of months I’ve been experiencing God working in my life in ways that have me wanting nothing more than to seek Him as intimately and as personally as I have never before. Deep down somewhere I knew (know) that there was something still hindering me from surrendering fully to His Will and that was keeping me from trusting him more fully. I had been praying for weeks for him to search my heart and to bring up anything that needed to be dealt with so that I could move on and move forward towards Him. I realized that the randomness of revisiting my dad’s death was not random at all.

That week of deep sorrow was the answer to my prayer. I never would have connected my dad’s death to hindering my ability to live life fully, and I still don’t get how my prayer, those circumstances, or what the message really is. I just know that the entire picture has led me to this point in time.

Regarding my dad’s death, I don’t have a huge distrust of men, I don’t have an unhealthy understanding that death is just one part in the cycle of life, and I don’t believe it’s hindered my ability to relate to men. But perhaps, just perhaps, the Lord searched deep enough in the recesses of my heart to know that my soul has constantly been yearning for my dad over the years, whether or not it’s been a constant and persistant knowing. And, in the bigger picture, perhaps the Lord was bringing up the grief to make me realize that the yearning for my dad was related to the ultimate lesson of all. That I was grieving the lack of relationship I had with the ultimate father of all: God the Father and creator of the universe.

Are you all still with me here?

Through other circumstances that are just too many to write here, I can see where He’s leading me. The the current books I had been studying were all about learning how God speaks personally to me and fine-tuning my “hearing”. Going forward, this bible study is not about finding my purpose in life (I think I already sort of ‘get’ that part), and it’s not about approaching dating from a biblical perspective (I know what I want and I truly know God is still preparing me and my future mate for each other). It’s all about my relationship with the Father. How coincidental that all of this is happening around Father’s Day, huh? Hmmm…?? Kidding. Sort of…

I’m going to prayerfully consider which of the books I’ve got that I want to study here, so stay tuned!

Love ya,
RM