Stuck

I can’t seem to move past this ‘rut’ in my life.  I’m wondering what my purpose is.  I’m trying to find my place, the meaning, the point of it all.  Instead of mellowing in “old age,” I feel more stressed and fearful of the future.  I have no idea how to cope and find my way through it.  Everytime I feel like I’m making progress, I slip back into this sad depth that I didn’t think still existed.  WTF is wrong with me??

——————- 

Place In This World
by Michael W. Smith 

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I’m

CHORUS:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me I’m

CHORUS

Subtle Ultimatums

When I started my new job back in November, it was always my intention to move closer to it.  My current commute is at least 45 minutes one way and there was no way I would have taken it without planning to move.  Various things came up since then and I had a hard time finding a place I wanted to move to.  Then the home purchase didn’t work out and I still haven’t moved.  Here I am, 8 months later and the long commute is really starting to wear on me.  Earlier this week I had a talk with my manager about it.  Well, we sat down to talk about it and I basically broke out in tears.  I have been so stressed lately about work, my commute, my ex, the house hunting, and life in general that when he asked a simple question about me showing up late the last few days, I just told basically starting crying, and trying to tell him between sobs, without dumping all the details on him, that the commute was really affecting my personal life.  I am not really one to get emotional at work – ever – so I felt so unprofessional having done that.  He was actually very understanding, ‘tho, and was trying to be accomodating.  He was open to having me work a couple of days from home, and I was just so thrilled that he was so cool about it.  So this last Thursday I worked from home.  I thought it went fine, but then today he called me into his office and took back what he said.  He said working from home was not an option anymore and that I basically had two options:  1.  sign an agreement stating that I understood my work hours to be x to x, or 2. sign an agreement stating that I’d have x days to find another job.  Option 1 is so that I could be measured and held more accountable.  Option 2 is so that I’d stay on the payroll and be able to say I left on my own without saying I was ‘let go’. 

Ok, so first of all, I want to say that my co-worker has been a big part of the problem.  She’s such a pain in the butt to work with, and more than once my manager has told me he knows how she is and to ignore her.  Everyone in the office complains about her, but none of them have to work with her on a daily basis like I do.  When I worked from home on Thursday I later found out from other co-workers that she was making a huge fuss the entire day.  They said she was making snide remarks about me being out of the office and such all day.  She really pisses me off.

There are two other things that piss me.  The first thing that pisses me off is that when I was first hired, within the first month of being there, my hiring manager left the company.  Why the F**K hire me when you’re just going to leave?  Daggit, I hate business.  Everything is so personal when it affects you directly, even if they say, “it’s just business.”  Just business my ass!!!  He was actually the guy I wanted to work for.  I felt I could learn so much from him.  I could tell he was shrewd but fair.  And then I get stuck under this guy.  This guy is sharp too, but I could tell that fundamentally he is a sales guy at heart and that’s not really something I can relate to. 

The other thing hat pisses me off is that my job scope changed drastically when I got hired.  I was told that this woman and I would become like a team and be able to cross train and basically be able to do each other’s job if one of us was out of the office.  The woman has been nothing but territorial about her work and has been so difficult when it comes to sharing her knowledge and training me on things.  Eventually my manager just kept our job responsibilities separate, which then means the skills and things I had hoped to learn by taking this job are a lot less than I was expecting. 

Ok, so in the course of the conversation earlier this week about my commute making me miserable, I made the mistake of taking his openness and understanding at face value and basically was honest about the job not being what I was promised or what I was expecting.  He said he would do what he could to keep me happy and that I just needed to give him a few days to figure something out and that I should just ignore that woman in the meantime. 

So, like I said, he took back what he said and basically gave me these ultimatums.  I can’t say I was totally surprised.  I mean, half of what was stressing me out so much was knowing that if I was him, I wouldn’t be too happy with the office hours I had been setting for myself either.  I guess I was also really used to my previous employer who never really cared about the hours I set as long as my work was done on time.  I was really spoiled there.

I basically have the weekend to think about what I want to do.  He wants a follow up discussion about it on Monday.  I am stressing like crazy, and I know it’s a stupid thing to stress over.  I’m smart, intelligent, and I know I’d be able to find another job and take care of myself.  The problem is that I still don’t know what my work bliss is, so to take another job would probably just end up in another miserable situation.  There’s a false sense of security in a paycheck.  I’ve never really had a break from working, either (besides vacations, but that’s not what I’m talking about).  I went straight to work from college, I switched jobs 3xs without any real down time between jobs, so the idea of 2 or more months off is scary.  I think that’s what I need, but the fear is overwhelming. 

I hate fear.  Fear is everywhere in me right now.  I’ll elaborate on this later.  For now, all I can say is that I feel so paralyzed, so uncertain, and so displaced right now in life.  Ugh.  What to do?  What to do? 

Rob Nob-Lob

I still can’t get over how or why I name random people in my dreams.  This has been happening a lot lately where some random person in my dream who has no connection to anyone I know in real life, is given a name.  Who are they and where do they come from?  Where does their name come from?

It makes me wonder if my brain is really just processing stuff and somehow it manifests itself into this figure.  Or maybe the name is really some weird brain computation and the letters are really some sort of alphabetical code?  Or even a numerological code.   In this particular case, maybe I’ve found my inner poet.  Ha ha.

I’m curious to see what, if any, funky dreams I have tonight.

Good night!

Who The Heck Is Rob Nob-Lob??

Am I the only one who has dreams where the people in it are given names?  You know, most people dream about people they know.  My dreams, however, involve characters I don’t know in real life, and names are given to them that are just as random.

This morning I had these funky dreams.  I was drifting in and out of consciousness after my alarm went off this morning.  I remember I was watching this guy who was standing in the middle of this grassy field.  It was like a tropical island of some sort with lots of tropical trees and clear blue water surrounding it.  I was physically there with him, but quite a distance away from him.  It was as if I was watching a documentary or on a movie set, but not quite really in there with him.  There were all these planes flying around him (3, I think), swooping in really close, then pulling up and buzzing around in all sorts of directions.  It was clear to me that the planes were doing this because there was some sort of tracking device or lasers or something in the planes where they had to do that in order to take a 3-dimensional picture of the situation.  For some reason I know this guy’s name is “Rob Nob-Lob” (sp?  ha ha).  I have no idea how I came up with this name.  I don’t know anyone in real life whose name is like that.  Anyway, so this guy is ducking and using his hands to cover his head since the planes are coming in so close to him.   Then he stops and looks at this clear blue device in his hand.  I can tell he’s wondering what it is.  And then just as quickly as he started to look at the device, all sorts of sirens go off.  I think whatever the planes were doing, they realized that this guy would soon find out something or find out how the gov’t knows all of his actions.  I’m guessing the blue thing is some sort of tracking device.  Anyway, I can’t remember much else that happened to him at this point in my dream.  My memory is fuzzy now after waking up.

Ok, so then the next thing I clearly remember is that it’s chaos.  Sirens are going off and planes are flying all around.  Suddenly there are people dressed in military uniforms running around this grassy area.  My ex, Sean, apprears and he grabs my right hand and yells, “Come on!”  He starts to run towards this grassy area.  In my other hand I am pulling an empty grocery cart, not by the handle but from the opposite end.  There’s another girl there, but I don’t know who or what she is.  It’s just a vague impression of a person I know is there.  She is dark haired and wearing white. 

Sean is holding my hand and running towards the grass.  There are 2 military people standing to one side.  There’s one military guy standing to the other.  These three people are facing each other.  Some sort of verbal exchange goes on between these military people, something like, “DO YOU TRUST ME??”  “YES, I TRUST YOU!”  Everyone is yelling because there’s so much noise from the airplanes and sirens that are going off.  We’re running towards these people and the next thing I know the guy standing to our left shoots at the 2 people to our right with a rifle.  The people to our right are not phased.  When the shooting stops, the guy who was being shot at just laughs hysterically.  The guy to our left does too and he goes, “Man, you really thought I was going to shoot you, huh?”  And the guy to my right says something like, “Yeah, I didn’t know what you were really going to do.”  And then I realize that it was some sort of game of chicken or something between these guys. 

So then Sean and I just sit down on the grass where we are at, cross legged.  We sat down in this really weird way where we are very entwined and we are holding each other close and I say, “I love you so much, Sean” and he squeezes my hands to his chest and kisses my forehead.  That other dark-haired mystery woman who was wearing white had also appeared again and had sat down next to us when we sat down.

Then I woke up.

My Mom Pisses Me Off

My mom seriously pisses me off.  See, this last series of posts began with my decision to purchase a condo.  I had asked her if she would help me purchase a place and she flat out said ‘no’.  It wasn’t a matter of her not being able, nor was it a matter of not wanting to.  It’s a matter of her holding onto her money so tightly that she just doesn’t do anything with it at all. 

She sold our childhood home a while back and has since moved in with my sister.  We tried to explain to her that since she was practically living with my sister before the sale of the house, she should have just kept that house and rented it out.  It was in a very good location and would not have had any trouble finding occupants.  Then it would more than supplement any expenses she had, which are none besides what she does for fun.  My sister pays for her car, let’s her live in her house for free, and covers insurance and everything else for her.  She even gave her a spare room.  My mom is free to come and go as she pleases.  The only thing that is ‘understood’ is that my mom provide day care now and then, although now that the kids are older and have afterschool activities, my mom really doesn’t do much in exchange for all the privileges my sister has given her.

The fact that my mom lives with sister pisses me off too.  My mom is always complaining about my sister and nags her about the way she takes care of her kids and makes rude comments about her husband all the time.  She has never expressed any appreciation for all the things my sister sacrifices in order to take care of her.  And the thing is, my mom is perfectly able bodied and can take care of herself.  She just treats my sister and my sister’s husband like crap.

So anyway, when my mom started living with my sister, we tried to get her to rent out her house rather than just have it sit empty.  She refused to listen to us and then the next thing we knew she sold it.  Never during that process did she tell any of us what she had done.  I never got a chance to go home and give it one last good-bye.   It was really hard for me to accept that fact.  It still hurts now knowing that I didn’t get a chance to pack up what remained in my room there.  She put all of my stuff somewhere in storage which, to this day, I have no idea where my stuff is at.  The times I went home since then to sift through my stuff she’s been “conveniently busy” when I ask her to show me where the stuff is so that I can start going through the last of my things there.  I wonder if she threw away my old yearbooks or if she threw away the box of photos from my high school years.  Man, I hate her right now. 

Anyway, so back to this condo purchase.  When I told her about it I asked if she’d help me out.  There’s a law where you can ‘gift’ someone 10K and there wouldn’t be a tax penalty.  She refused, and started yelling at me and asking me how I could even think to ask her for that money.  She is, afterall, supposedly this poor, lonely widow who only has the proceeds from her house to live on and to last her through until her death.  I knew she would say ‘no’, but somewhere I always hope that she’s got some sort of goodness somewhere, or that old age would mellow her a bit and that she’d do something because she can and because I am her daughter.  I guess that’s where I always end up hating her again and again.  I hold out for hope that her heart and attitude would change, but it hasn’t.  It’s really not about the money, but when I think about it, she made a lot in that sale, and 10K is nothing at all for her.  When she complained about how that was all the money she had to live on, I reminded her that my sister was paying for every other expense for her, the roof over her head, the car she uses, the food they eat, etc.  I asked her why she never offerred to at least help pay off the car that my sister pays for her to use.  Then she got mad at me for saying those things.  My mom has all this money, lives for free with my sister, and still refuses to part with any of her money.  How selfish is that?  Then my mom had the nerve to turn it back on me and yelled at me for not saving enough for the downpayment and for me to stop taking all the trips that I have.  I was livid when she said this.  I’ve seen the way she lives and there is no way in heck I want to live a sheltered life like hers.  I guess it never occurred to her that at the age of 32 her daughter has already managed to save and invest probably the equivalent of what she’s got now.  Yes, I may not have the liquid cash for the downpayment, but that’s only because I was so focused on my retirement investments.  I shouldn’t have said anything and just waited a more few months to purchase.  I hate her so much right now.  And my trips?  They have been the things that I live for and the things that keep me grounded.  I thought it was family and your parents who are supposed to keep you grounded.  Yea, right.  She certainly doesn’t do that for me at all.

It’s not really about the money, anyway.  It’s the fact that I’ve never asked for much from her -ever.  The few times in my life that I have asked for something, she’s never given me it, nor has she ever offered anything when she clearly saw what my need was.  She always turns it around and makes me feel bad for going to her for something.  For pete’s sake, she’s my mother!  What kind of sorry a** mother doesn’t ever help her kid out? 

Ok, so I knew asking her to help was going to end up in a ‘no’, and that was fine.

But then this past week my aunt was driving up to SF to visit my cousins (two of her sons moved up here).  My mom tried to get a ride with her, claiming she wanted to come visit me and to look at places with me.  It turns out my aunt brought a smaller car and they didn’t have room for my mom.  So my mom calls me to tell me how pissed she is that her sister didn’t find room for her.  Ok, whatever, right?  So I tell my mom to get a cheap tix on Southwest and fly out here so that even ‘tho she doesn’t drive up with my aunt, she can at least be here at the same time and we can all still hang out.  My mom said, I don’t want to spend the money (oh, gee, really?) and that it’s such a pain to fly solo (uh-huh).  So that was that and she was all, “Your aunt is so selfish.  Sorry, maybe next time.”  Then I talk to my sister the other day and I was bitching about my mom.  I remember clearly saying something like, “Mom is such a pain.  She’ll buy a $200 coach purse, but she won’t buy a $200 ticket to come visit me.” 

Oh, the coach purse is another story.  My mom bought me this TINY purse from coach that costs about $250.  I am not a fashion diva, nor do I care for labels.  I’ve just never been like that.  I’m perfectly happy with my Wal-Mart clothes and shoes I’ve worn since high school.  It’s funny how opposite us kids turned out compared to my mom.  She’s always cared about image and designer labels, and the rest of us were always happy with whatever was functional and practical.  Anyway, even the purse was a huge argument.  I told her that buying a $250 purse was stupid if she was so concerned with money.  She should go on a trip or buy food instead.  Do things that really matter.  A purse will just break or go out of style.  She got pissed at me and yelled at me for telling her what to do with her own money.  It was her money and she’d do as she pleases with it.  So I relented and took the purse from her.  In that weird way I know it makes my mom feel good to see me using that purse, and so I use it.  But the whole time I’m using it I am just thinking, what a waste of money.  How pretentious is that?  And I’m happier with a $5 knock off somewhere.

The same goes for jewelry.  My mom loves jewelry and has expensive tastes.  When I was growing up she’d always buy me things.  I never wore most of what she bought and so finally one time I just flat out refused to take something she had purchased for me.  It was a big fight, but i simply told her that it was a waste of money for her to buy it and that if I took it it would just sit in a safe somewhere.  I said if she was going to get me something then just me a gift cert somewhere or give me cash.  I told her that I don’t wear those things and that I wouldn’t get any use out of it, so buying it was a waste of money.  That is a very rational argument, yes?  Boy, I could see how hurt and upset my mom was.  Buying me pretty shiney things is simply stupid. 

Argh. 

Ok, so back to the plane ticket thing.  My last comment to my sister was, “Mom is such a pain.  She’ll buy a $200 coach purse, but she won’t buy a $200 ticket to come visit me.” 

Today I called up my sister to tell her I had sent my itinerary for my trip over July 4 to visit my family in AZ and to travel with my sis’ family to San Diego during that time.  I was going over some things about what I was planning to do while I was in AZ.  My sis then tells me that my mom is planning on going to Las Vegas that weekend for some sort of outing with friends.  WTF?  She has no problem paying for a trip to Vegas with friends, but she has a problen paying for a trip to come visit me and my brother in SF??  This pissed me off, but more bitterly IT HURTS LIKE HELL when I think about how my mom makes me feel.  I have never, ever, ever in my entire life ever felt like we came first.  I know for a fact that if we were not a Chinese family, that most people would have just disowned and disassociated themselves with such a parent by now.  I hate her and I hate everything about her.  I hate how she brought me up and I hate how neurotic I feel when it comes to the way I cope and react and interact with the world around me. 

I was talking to someone the other day whom I had just met and they made a comment about how normal, happy, and intelligent I appeared to be, and then he teasingly said, “there’s gotta be something wrong with you.”  And there, in the back of my mind, I thought that if anyone knew the real me, any admiration or love would go away along with that realization. I hate my mom, I hate how she’s raised me with all of my messed up complexes, and I hate how I can’t seem to make peace with myself right now.  It was also during this moment that I realized that I still have a long way to go before I’d be healthy enough for a healthy relationship, and this was the same moment when I decided I had to let my ex go. 

And then, as if God was listening, I came home that evening and my ex called after we had not spoken for two days.  In some ways I think the Lord was saying, “Ok, you know what you have to do.  Are you willing to trust me and do it, or do you want to keep doing it your way?”  And so I took a few deep breaths and let the words come from my heart.  It was a friendly, loving ending to a good relationship.  Good endings make good beginnings.  I know the Lord was pleased with the loving honesty in that conversation.  Now I am taking a few more deep breaths and I am waiting for the Lord to show me the way through the next item on my list of “emotional junk” that I need to sift through.

  

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

So the now official ex called me tonight and apologized for some of the harsh words we exchanged on Friday.  It took a lot for him to apologize, which I really appreciated.  I also apologized for being so whiney and complaining so much lately about the real estate stuff to him.

It would have been so easy to just accept the apology and know that all was well and make up and move on to our next date together.  I do really like him and enjoy the time we spend together, but I had to really be honest with what is in my heart and I really want someone who is physically here and emotionally present with me at all times.  I’ve always known that I can’t do the long-distance thing, and I just can’t keep letting myself develop feelings for him.

We both understand what the issues are and there aren’t really any hard feelings or misunderstandings.  We didn’t argue.  We just talked honestly about what was working and what wasn’t, and we talked about the things we need and the things we both need to do and to figure out. 

It hurts, it sucks, and I want to be with him right now, but we agreed to part in that sad, ‘let’s-be-friends-but-we-know-we-can’t-really’-type of way.  As hard as it is, it’s the only decision that feels right.

*sigh*

Breaking up is soooo hard to do.

I Want To Heart Life

When I was about 12 or 13 my dad got colon cancer.  I didn’t really understand much of what was going on then.  You see, my mom never told me much of anything about what was going on with the family.  That’s just how she was and that was just how our family dynamic was.  I was the youngest and because of that fact it seemed that I didn’t need to be concerned or burdened with these things, along with her notion that I was just a kid.  She never seemed to respect me the way that she respects my older sister.  More on this in a bit.

All I remember at the time was that my dad was having surgery for something.  I knew cancer was a big deal, but I guess it never really registered that it was a serious thing.  I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that dad had cancer.  I just remember bits and pieces at the time.  Something about my dad being tired a lot.  Something about him finding blood in his stool.  Something about a doctor’s appointment, and then the next thing I remember was waiting in the hospital while he went through surgery.  Something about the doctor removing a section of the colon. 

He came out of surgery fine.  It turned out that whatever growth or whatever section of the colon the doctors had taken out, the surgery had taken care of it.  He was fine and life went back to normal. 

That’s just how my family was.  We never talked about anything of importance and if things were discussed, my family certainly didn’t include me in on the conversations.  I resent how my mom never talked to me like I was a person whose life was affected by decisions she’d make or how she never really took the time to seek my input on these things.  I wish we would have had family meetings or dinners around the table.  There was none of that while I was growing up and I never felt like anything I had to say mattered to her. 

My mom always had this dependency on my oldest sister.  A lot of that was due to the fact that my mom relied a lot on my sister to help her navigate through the basics of life, like bill paying or other day to day transactions that most people would handle on their own.  My mom speaks in broken english, although her comprehension is good, and I remember my sister telling me stories of being 7 or 8, and having to translate and take care of some sort of transaction for my mom.  My sister would tell me times when she’d have to read mail or other letters that my parents received and then having to translate the information for my mom. 

My dad speaks perfect english, having been about 10 when he came to the US.  My mom came to the US when she was ~21, and for some reason just didn’t progress past a certain level with it.  While my dad spent most days at our store, my mom would alternate her time between helping him there and doing general mom duties, like shuttling us to piano lessons or other school activities.  I just always remember my older sister in some capacity as taking care of things or being the one to go to about stuff.

My mom would always go to my older sister for advice on how to handle things.  I don’t remember my mom ever asking my opinion on things.  I don’t remember her asking me much of anything now that I think about it.  She never asked how school was.  She never asked how my day was.  She never asked what I wanted to do for my birthday.  Nothing.  She never asked me anything about myself at all.  In fact, I bet that if someone asked her to tell them something about me, the most she’d be able to say is that I live in SF and my favorite color is blue.  She didn’t even ask much about the new job I took last November.  She doesn’t know how stressful that decision was for me because it was a big career change at the time.  She doesn’t even know what kind of work I do.  She hasn’t even asked me how things are since I started that job.

My older sister has always been my “real” mom.  I remember her finding ways to entertain me in the ways that a mom usually does.  She’d sit down and draw and color with me.  She’d make up games for us to play.  She’d help me with my homework, or she’d be there for me when I was feeling rejected when my other sister wouldn’t want to play me.  I know now that it’s never about what you can give or do for your kids.  It’s all about the time that you spend with them.  I never had that with either of my parents.  I can barely count the number of times that I clearly remember just enjoying time spent with one or both of my parents outside of the holidays.  I never had much one-on-one time with them at all while I was growing up.

I’ve been so sad lately when I think about the relationship that I’ll never have with my parents.  I want to run to mom and dad now more than I ever have in my life and it tears me up knowing that I can’t.  I want to know that whatever I decide to do with my life that they will there with me, whether it’s to rejoice with me or whether it’s to help pick up the pieces should I fail.  I’m so fearful of living that I don’t know what to do.  All I feel right now is the desire to run to mom and dad and to feel and know their love for me, but each time my thoughts and emotions go there, I hurt more.  I realize now that a parent’s ability to instill love in their child is the best gift they could ever give. 

I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of feeling so displaced.  I’m tired of wanting love and not being able to find it.  I’m tired of taking care of myself.  I’m tired of life and all of its monotony.  I’m tired of trying new things and still not having found my passion yet.  I’m tired of pretending that everything’s ok.  I’m tired of praying and wondering if God is really listening.  I’m tired of doing things God’s way.  I’m tired of optimistic people.  I’m tired of being uninspired.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m just tired of life.

What is going on with me?  Why am I so depressed and negative?  I’ve got so much to be thankful for and yet I don’t feel any gratitude. 

I want to heart life and I can’t right now.    Please tell me it will get better.  Please?  Please??

Funny Quote

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”  — Emo Philips

We Are SO Over

I’m done with my latest relationship.  I’ve been dating this guy since last November.  When I met him I knew the relationship didn’t really have much potential to last, but I was ok with the time we spent together.   He was fun and we ‘clicked’ in one of those ‘elusive’ ways (no, I am not talking about sexual chemistry).  It’s just been a long time since I was able to talk, laugh, and just enjoy things with someone that didn’t feel somewhat contrived or date-ish.  I was probably more ok with things because we didn’t actually live in the same city, so there was never an expectation of consistent time spent together. Plus, he’s been divorced and, quite honestly, that’s actually a dealbreaker for me when it comes to the ‘must-haves’ for my future spouse.

As with most relationships, inevitably one of the two parties (usually the woman, and yes, me in this case) wants more out of it or just realizes it’s run its course wants to end things sooner than later instead of dragging it out.  I knew in February that spending the time with him was really just reminding me that I really hadn’t found what I was looking for yet.  We talked in vague conversations about where we were in life and about the things we wanted, and while we never had a direct talk about it, the conversations we did have confirmed that our visions and wants were very different.

Then in May I tried to have a serious conversation with him about our relationship, which didn’t go very well.  I yelled and bullied in an attempt to get him to talk, and I know that was wrong.  He clammed up and told me he’s always had trouble opening up.  Blah blah.  I’ve heard that before and it basicallly means that he’s got no interest in addressing my concerns.

Somewhere among the drama of my real estate transaction in late May to present, I realized that this guy does not have the characteristics to mesh well with me when I am stressed.  I’ve been obsessed with mortgages and all things real estate for the last couple of months, and he’s not been a source of comfort or a reprieve from all of this headache.  

At the end of the day I would be so exhausted and frustrated after spending a lot of my time dealing with open houses or other real estate stuff that all I wanted was to go home and relax at the end of the day.  It made me really want someone to go home to at the end of the day and it made me want so desperately for someone who just ‘gets’ me, where I could be taken care of and where I could just let my hair down and feel like I’d be ok  with them in my corner.  I wanted to know that I could have a bad day and that they would still love me anyway. 

I never felt that with this guy.  Each time I’d try to open up or share more, I didn’t feel it was safe to do so, nor did I feel like he was receptive to seeing that side of me. 

There’s a lot more that was frustrating about this relationship, but I’ve made up in my mind to let it go.  It’s going nowhere, so what’s the point of putting more energy into and getting more attached, you know?

It sucks, it really does.  It’s hard to find someone who reciprocates a certain amount of chemistry, a certain amount of like-mindedness, and a certain style of being.  But I am letting it go and moving on.

Real Estate Transactions Suck

I’m pissed.  Man, am I pissed.

One of the reasons I was absent from blogging is because things have been good.  I wish I could be one of those bloggers where all you read about is good stuff, but my blog ends up being a place to dump, probably because I don’t like burdening the “real” people in my life with this stuff. 

First of all, I was very close to purchasing my first home.  It was this lovely condo that I fell in love with on my first visit, but then two things happened:  gov’t and city downpayment assistance ran out of money and interest rates went up.  This means the ”free” money I was hoping for to help reduce the amount borrowed didn’t happen, which was a bummer but it was not the end of the world.  I could still afford the house.  But then interest rates went back up and that caused the monthly payments to rise, which then reduced my purchasing power.  So the two of these combined ended my ability to purchase this place.  I really love that place and just couldn’t see myself living anywhere else.

This fact alone is not the biggest part to bum me out.  What’s really pissing me off right now about it all is the shady dealings of the builder’s sales agent.  She is clearly not letting me out of my purchase contract, despite having not secured my loan during the contingency period.  In fact, I am now about two weeks beyond that and she is threatening to keep my holding fee.  However, she actually did not send in my check to the escrow company until about the last week of my loan contingency period, and NOT during the 3-5 days after signing into contract.

Anyway, there’s too much about this situation that is pissing me off.  She shadily brought in a broker “to help with my closing costs”.  When, since I had viewed the first time without my agent, she would not allow me to use my real estate agent.  My agent actually said say that she did technically have the right to decline working with my agent since there IS some sort of unspoken rule amongst agents that you need to be present on the first visit with your own agent (or else I need to mention I am working with one, which I didn’t mention at all, in fact, I didn’t really have an agent at that point).  Anyway, so she shadily brought in this broker (who was clearly her friend) and basically used her to do exactly what my own agent would have, so now her friend is getting the commission (and probably her as well since I now see how shady she is) and not my own agent.  Ok, it’s my own fault for not really thinking this through initally, but I am a first-time buyer and I signed agreement to all this stuff.

Oh, and I must add, initially I found out that she is a friend of my cousin’s.  It’s a long story.  But it also turned out that she goes to a sister church and knows some of the same friends.  So I guess I gave her some “grace”, so to speak with my trust because of these two facts.  I am SO not happy with myself right now.  I really trust my cousin and I really trust those common friends.  So I just naturally trusted her too.  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.  Argh.

Anyway, so after our last conversation I repeated (again) that I wanted out, but she leaves this message the other day clearly talking as if she’s still moving forward with the deal.  Now she’s claiming that I have not been returning her calls, which is complete BS.  I told her twice, VERY CLEARLY, that I am now out of contract and no longer wish to purchase the property.   I didn’t tell her this part, but since she was delayed in sending my check to the escrow company, I’ve put a stop payment on my check.

Anyway, now I’m partly freaked out because I’m wondering what kind of legal mess might arise out of this, and I’m partly freaked out because the whole real estate process is so messed up.  It’s no wonder so many people get taken advantage of.  There are sooo many financial, legal, and other aspects involved with the process that you really have to do your diligence to protect yourself.  I am very good about being an educated consumer so I am upset with myself for somehow getting into this mess.  Argh.

I’m pissed.  Just really pissed.  I’m pissed because I had hoped to be posting pics of my new home and tell you all about the exciting news.  But nooo…thanks to shady agents out there, my current experience has been less than joyous. 

If any of you have some real estate advice, please offer it.  I will probably talk to a lawyer just to make sure what my rights are and to prepare myself in case things get ugly.  This whole thing is really weighing on me right now and I am stressed beyond belief.  I just want out and I am not longer going to play nice.

Thanks for listening.