Stuck

I can’t seem to move past this ‘rut’ in my life.  I’m wondering what my purpose is.  I’m trying to find my place, the meaning, the point of it all.  Instead of mellowing in “old age,” I feel more stressed and fearful of the future.  I have no idea how to cope and find my way through it.  Everytime I feel like I’m making progress, I slip back into this sad depth that I didn’t think still existed.  WTF is wrong with me??

——————- 

Place In This World
by Michael W. Smith 

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I’m

CHORUS:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me I’m

CHORUS

Subtle Ultimatums

When I started my new job back in November, it was always my intention to move closer to it.  My current commute is at least 45 minutes one way and there was no way I would have taken it without planning to move.  Various things came up since then and I had a hard time finding a place I wanted to move to.  Then the home purchase didn’t work out and I still haven’t moved.  Here I am, 8 months later and the long commute is really starting to wear on me.  Earlier this week I had a talk with my manager about it.  Well, we sat down to talk about it and I basically broke out in tears.  I have been so stressed lately about work, my commute, my ex, the house hunting, and life in general that when he asked a simple question about me showing up late the last few days, I just told basically starting crying, and trying to tell him between sobs, without dumping all the details on him, that the commute was really affecting my personal life.  I am not really one to get emotional at work – ever – so I felt so unprofessional having done that.  He was actually very understanding, ‘tho, and was trying to be accomodating.  He was open to having me work a couple of days from home, and I was just so thrilled that he was so cool about it.  So this last Thursday I worked from home.  I thought it went fine, but then today he called me into his office and took back what he said.  He said working from home was not an option anymore and that I basically had two options:  1.  sign an agreement stating that I understood my work hours to be x to x, or 2. sign an agreement stating that I’d have x days to find another job.  Option 1 is so that I could be measured and held more accountable.  Option 2 is so that I’d stay on the payroll and be able to say I left on my own without saying I was ‘let go’. 

Ok, so first of all, I want to say that my co-worker has been a big part of the problem.  She’s such a pain in the butt to work with, and more than once my manager has told me he knows how she is and to ignore her.  Everyone in the office complains about her, but none of them have to work with her on a daily basis like I do.  When I worked from home on Thursday I later found out from other co-workers that she was making a huge fuss the entire day.  They said she was making snide remarks about me being out of the office and such all day.  She really pisses me off.

There are two other things that piss me.  The first thing that pisses me off is that when I was first hired, within the first month of being there, my hiring manager left the company.  Why the F**K hire me when you’re just going to leave?  Daggit, I hate business.  Everything is so personal when it affects you directly, even if they say, “it’s just business.”  Just business my ass!!!  He was actually the guy I wanted to work for.  I felt I could learn so much from him.  I could tell he was shrewd but fair.  And then I get stuck under this guy.  This guy is sharp too, but I could tell that fundamentally he is a sales guy at heart and that’s not really something I can relate to. 

The other thing hat pisses me off is that my job scope changed drastically when I got hired.  I was told that this woman and I would become like a team and be able to cross train and basically be able to do each other’s job if one of us was out of the office.  The woman has been nothing but territorial about her work and has been so difficult when it comes to sharing her knowledge and training me on things.  Eventually my manager just kept our job responsibilities separate, which then means the skills and things I had hoped to learn by taking this job are a lot less than I was expecting. 

Ok, so in the course of the conversation earlier this week about my commute making me miserable, I made the mistake of taking his openness and understanding at face value and basically was honest about the job not being what I was promised or what I was expecting.  He said he would do what he could to keep me happy and that I just needed to give him a few days to figure something out and that I should just ignore that woman in the meantime. 

So, like I said, he took back what he said and basically gave me these ultimatums.  I can’t say I was totally surprised.  I mean, half of what was stressing me out so much was knowing that if I was him, I wouldn’t be too happy with the office hours I had been setting for myself either.  I guess I was also really used to my previous employer who never really cared about the hours I set as long as my work was done on time.  I was really spoiled there.

I basically have the weekend to think about what I want to do.  He wants a follow up discussion about it on Monday.  I am stressing like crazy, and I know it’s a stupid thing to stress over.  I’m smart, intelligent, and I know I’d be able to find another job and take care of myself.  The problem is that I still don’t know what my work bliss is, so to take another job would probably just end up in another miserable situation.  There’s a false sense of security in a paycheck.  I’ve never really had a break from working, either (besides vacations, but that’s not what I’m talking about).  I went straight to work from college, I switched jobs 3xs without any real down time between jobs, so the idea of 2 or more months off is scary.  I think that’s what I need, but the fear is overwhelming. 

I hate fear.  Fear is everywhere in me right now.  I’ll elaborate on this later.  For now, all I can say is that I feel so paralyzed, so uncertain, and so displaced right now in life.  Ugh.  What to do?  What to do?