More Rant

Another thing that pisses me off is that my mom also dated this Caucasian guy after my dad died.  One major point of contention for us was the “do as I say, not as I do” shit from her.  She would “forbid” me to date any guy who was anything but Chinese.  How hypocritical of her.  I’d point out that she should take her own advice and then she’d get pissed at me.  OMG, WTF!!  It was ok for her to date ANYONE without having standards because she was the “poor widow”, but NOT ok for her kids to date outside of our culture because “we should know better”.  WTF kind of logic is that?  Whatever happened to judging the person as an individual, and not operating based on stupid stereotypes or biases?  It’s no wonder I ended up in SF.  I hate her so much.

Once in college I was dating this guy who was half Chinese/half Irish.  I was NOT going to marry him.  I was merely dating him.  OMG, my mom threw a hissy fit because he was not Asian. 

In fact, a few months into our relationship I came down with the flu (or probably just ate something thta didn’t agree with me).  The point is, when I complained to my mom about feeling queasy, she immediately called my grandma and was all, “it wouldn’t surprise me if she was pregnant.”  WHAT THE HELL KIND OF MOM MAKES THAT TYPE OF COMMENT ABOUT HER KID???  Oh, man, she should have more faith and trust in us to do and make good choices.  I was just FUCKING SICK.  That bitch.  I hate her for being like that.  I hate her for thinking and making me feel like such a bad person.  I feel so ashamed for just being here.  If she didn’t want me (which she did state during one heated argument), then she shouldn’t have had kids.   

I resent the fact that my siblings take care of her when she does nothing but be the way she is.  If we were not an Asian family she would SO be on her own right now.  I resent how my family doesn’t really “get” all the crap she’s done during those years I was home after my dad died.  They were never around and they never offered me support.  I resent how, in my mom’s fucked up way, she pits us against each other in her sneaky psychological way.  Yea, I am too smart for my own good.  I’m not blind to all the subtle nuances of relationship dynamics.  I’m not ignorant of the fact that this is a big reason I haven’t found someone to trust yet.  I just “get” people too well sometimes and I have to be careful about those dynamics. 

I’m pissed that once in college I dated this guy from my church.  After a few months I broke up with him.  This guy drank, smoked, and gambled a lot.  He was a real partier.  My mom yelled at me for breaking up with him.  I mean, afterall, he went to our church, was Chinese, and we knew his family.  Uh…WTF.  The guy is NOT a keeper.  JUST because he’s Asian makes him ok?  Does she not get that he would not stick around or take care of, nor respect me over the long haul??  She would rather I just end up with a Chinese guy, even if he was as ass.  How fucked up is that?  Well, a few years later he knocked up one of the other girls from that group I knew in church.  And what did my mom have to say to that, you ask?  Nothing.  She’d never admit he was a loser or that she gave bad advice.  Stupid lady.  I hate her.  She pisses me off.

I am soooo disconnected from my divine self, from my peace, from forgiveness and from acceptance.  I don’t operate out of a place of love or serenity.  I have no idea when or if it will come.  I really feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.  God, help me.