San Diego – I Hate My Mom More

Did I mention how much I hate my mom?  Yeah, let me state that again.  Man, I can’t figure out how to make peace with all the wounds in that relationship.

I went home last week to AZ.  I went to look at property because I am considering buying an investment home there.  The other part of my trip home was also to join my sis’ family on their vacation to San Diego.  I also had the opportunity to visit my company’s headquarters in SD for some face time.

I was only home in AZ for a couple of days before we drove to San Diego.  One of those days I took off and went looking at homes with my realtor.  The other day I worked from AZ.  It was kind of complicated that day because my nephew really wanted to stay home with me, but I was concerned that he would be a distraction from my work.  My sis kept insisting he’d be good, so I relented.  Later on, what complicated matters was that I was helping my brother purchase some furniture for my mom’s house.  My mom had to be there to receive the furniture, but between the two of us we only had one car. 

Anyway, to make a long story short, my selfish mother bitched and griped when I drove her over to her house to wait for the furniture delivery.  I had drop my mom off at her house and I had to take the car and drive back to my sister’s house because I couldn’t work at my mom’s house because she doesn’t have an internet connection there.  My mom was pissed about not having the car with her.  Here I was, trying to explain to her that it was the only solution based on what was going on that day.  She couldn’t really leave her house anyway since the furniture delivery was 4 hour window.  On the drive over to drop her off at her house, she started yelling at me and telling me how I was always the one who gave her grief while I was growing up and how I was always getting in trouble and doing bad things.  Ok, I admit I was not an angel, but WTF kind of parent lords that over their kid?  Well, I shot back shit to her as well, telling her what an awful mom she’s been over the years and bringing stuff up about her as well.

When my dad died my mom did not cope well at all.  Now, I can only imagine how the death of a spouse can be devastating.  I mean, here is the one person who has shared sooo many memories with you (they were married ~20 years when he died).  In my mom’s case my dad really took care of her.  He was the glue that held the family together. 

I was 16 when my dad died.  It was December and it happened just a few days before our winter break, about a week before Christmas.  The details about that night I’ll share another time, but the part that is wreaking havoc with my emotions now were the few years that followed his death.

My mom started dating again, which just soooo fucked me up.  She started seeing this really creepy Mexican guy.  I’m not sure how she met him, but the guy was a total ass.  He was always a point of contention between all of us.  I was pissed that my siblings were all out of the house except for me because  I saw and experienced first hand more of her crap than I should have back then.  My siblings NEVER had to see it and I totally resent that fact.  He was seriously sketchy.  He was an illegal immigrant, I’m sure.  I don’t think he had a job.  He drove a crappy car. 

This guy would call and harrass us, demanding to know where my mom was, or just calling and hanging up on us.  Well, he’d only hang up if us kids answered, but never if my mom answered.  He knew we wouldn’t take his crap.  My siblings and I would tell him to quit calling and hanging up on us.  He was too scared of us.  But my stupid mom would tell him to dismiss us and she’d just continue to hang out with him.  He was totally controlling and at one point I saw bruises on my mom’s leg and arm, and to this day I swear he probably hurt her in some way but I’ve never asked her about it  and she would probably never admit anything.  He’d drive by the house just to see if my mom was home and to make sure she wasn’t with another guy.  I heard him call her a lying bitch a lot.  WTF!!!  There was one time when I was sleeping in on a Saturday.  Here I am, in high school, being a lazy teen, sleeping in.  I hear the doorbell ring and, of course, I knew it was him.  But I ignored it and figured my mom would handle it in whatever the fucked up way she would. I hear some verbal exchange of some sort, and then the next thing I know this guy is barging into the house and he comes into my room!!!!  OMG, I was pretending to sleep, but I was soooo scared.  Don’t get me wrong, I never thought I was going to be raped or anything, but I did not know what would happen if I said or did anything to confront him.  There WAS one time when he came to the house and I called the cops on him, but that was the only time.  Anyway, so I’m freaked out, lying in bed, and pretending to sleep.  I hear him going through the house.  He was always accusing my mom of being with other men and not trusting her, so he was ”checking” the house for other men.  WTF!!!  HOW THE FUCK COULD MY MOM LET HIM DO THAT???  OMG, I am so pissed when I think about that.  Did she have no regard for the safety of her kids?  Did she not realize what she was doing to us?  Even more importantly, did she not know what she was doing to herself and to her family??

And get this….  so, while my mom chose to hang out with this fucker, I tried to stay open-minded, at least initially.  I mean, I understand how someone needs companionship in old age and how freaked out she was about being alone.  So I tried to tell her that it was fine if she was hanging out with him, but just to keep the fucker away from me because I didn’t respect him.  I also just asked that she be honest about where she was going and who she was hanging out with.  So some time passes and she tells me she’s not seeing him.  Now, here I am in high school, ok?  I’m seriously needing guidance and should be enjoying my couple of years before college.  Instead, here my mom is, staying out until 3, 4, 5AM, doing God knows what.  She never did tell me where she was or what she was doing all those times.  I was making my own dinners, even taking care of the family business, and just constantly fighting with my mom and playing the parent, wondering if when she’d get home, wondering what she was doing, and barely knowing how to deal with my own grief.  My siblings weren’t living at home during the time my dad’s illness got really bad.  I resent that too.  Oh man, I need help.  How do I make peace with all this anger?  It was SO unfair that I had to deal with it all.  To see it all.  To take it all.  To fucking TAKE CARE of it all. 

Anyway, so one time she told me she was going out with some girlfriend of hers (it’s a long story), but basically I caught her in a big web of lies and man did she look like a deer caught in the headlights.  Why the fuck would she lie?  OMG, after that I lost all respect for her and my trust for her was completely gone.  She had gone out with this guy when she flat out said she wasn’t. 

This guy was so sketchy that there was also one point when I remember seeing my mom take an envelope out of her purse that had a bunch of cash in it.  she said it was his and he asked her to hold it for her.  OMG…WTF!!  Drugs?  Stolen?  God knows what that money was from or for.  She said we were just causing trouble when we’d suggest that she not hold it for him.  Afterall, that’s what a bank is for, especially if he’s legit, right?  Of course, she doesn’t listen to us kids.  Her fucking man was so much more important.  Or maybe fucking her man was much more important.  Whichever.  Whatever.

I’m soooo hurting right now about all of it.  To hear my mom gripe on that drive over her house about what a bad kid I was really hurt.  After all these years does she not understand her role in that dynamic?  Why do the kids have to be the ones to acquiese to her selfish actions and desires? 

Around the 10 year anniversary of my dad’s death I thought perhaps enough time had passed where I could try to talk to her about it.  I wrote before how some details are now fuzzy.  I just wanted some answers, some details about that time.  Oh man, she went off on me when I tried to understand more about the illness he had and the events of that time.  She yelled at me for bringing up questions that are better left unspoken.  Fuck her.  Better for who?  She’s such a selfish bitch. 

And I feel awful for calling her these things, but I am so hurt and so angry at all the resentment she’s felt and acted on towards me over the years. 

She was around maybe a whopping 1/2 day when I went home to visit.  That was it.  So much wanting me there.  She was off on her Vegas trip because I guess that was the better alternative than visiting her son and daughter in San francisco.  Fuck her.

One evening I went to visit my grandparents.  I was actually surprised at some of the advice and things they shared.  They were disgusted with the way my mom treats her kids.  They couldn’t believe she wouldn’t help me with my home purchase.  They told me I shouldn’t waste my time or money visiting my sister or mom or even them anymore.  Nothing against my sister, ‘tho.  I was really surprised they said that part because they were the ones who instilled the sense of loyalty and family in us all.  They said I was better off just taking care of myself and to spend my money on other things, essentially saying ‘if your mom isn’t going to give you the time of day, then you shouldn’t give her the time of day, either’.  Ok, I get that, but emotionally I haven’t figured out how to deal with it all yet.  Then my grandma and grandpa just said that they were old and it was ok for me not to visit them as much anymore.  Oh God, I so don’t want them to pass on.  I know it’s part of life, but they’ve been there for me so much more than my mom. 

I went home partly because in the past my sister and her kids tend to ground me in a lot of ways.  I know I’m mid-lifeing right now and usually her kids help put things in perspective.  But now that the kids are older, the dynamics are different.  I see now that they really have their family bonds and rituals, and I was the fifth wheel.  My sis would always welcome me, but spending time with them this time really made me aware that I’m all alone.  I have to take care of myself in every aspect and at the end of the day I don’t have that one person I want to share or could trust my life with. 

I’m getting closer to quitting my job too.  It’s a long story, but my mid-life caused me to have a ‘talk’ with my manager and now I just feel awkward and so out-of-place in my office.  I was looking to quit after a year and then taking some time to travel, but maybe I should just quit asap, with no plan.  Maybe I should just pack a backpack and go somewhere. 

I’m self-destructing and having the worse mid-life crisis right now.  I don’t know how to cope or to get through this phase.  I’m crying all the time, I’m having trouble sleeping.  I’m not really socializing these days.  I did go hiking with friends on Sunday, ‘tho.  I hate my job.  I feel stifled.  I feel confused.  I’m literally self-destructing.  It started with the job change and now it’s carrying over to my personal life and just the lack of caring about me, about life, about anything right now.

Lord, if you’re there, I really need your strength and help right now.  Amen.