How?
July 26, 2007
I don’t know how to do it. It seems that lately everything is just telling me that I’ve got to change in really big ways. I just had an argument with someone who triggered a lot of sort spots within me. It’s not so much that this person means anything to me. In fact, I just met them within the last few weeks. It’s the fact that I just see how ugly of a person I am right now. Don’t get me wrong, I am not hating myself or anything along those lines. What I mean is that my spirit feels so disconnected from everything and that I am reacting harshly and out of places that are full of bitterness and defense. I long to be inviting and open and just present without fear and without this hyperawareness and sensitivity to being judged. There’s such a disconnect with my feelings, my spirit, and my reality that I’m just really tired of being so many things to so many different people. I want to be authentic. I want to be consistent. I just want to be me and to act accordingly. The problem is, I have no idea who ‘me’ is anymore. How does one go about figuring this out? How does one go about loving and accepting themselves unconditionally? It’s too easy to escape through work or hobbies or with friends. At the end of the day I have no one but myself to answer to. I don’t like doing this because the answers are never anything I actually like. I long to be one of those people who just eminate peace and love and kindness. But right now my spirit is telling everyone to go away and to leave me alone. I don’t like this at all. I really don’t.
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1.
Vince | July 27, 2007 at 9:35 am
I too would love to be one of those people that eminate peace, but it’s not in my nature. However, I am at peace with myself as much as I can be. Certainly there’s things about myself I do not like. I get angry with those close to me far too easily.
Who are you? What defines you? These are big questions that are always hard to answer. But I bet you can name a few things right off the top of your head that really say who you are. Forget everything else in the world, and what to YOU enjoy? What makes you happy? For example, for me, words that immediately come to minde are husband, father, musician, Catholic. While many things define me, these three are what really matter. The first two are the things that keep me up at night when I fall short of my ideal. Things that do not define me are work, other’s opinions.
Perhaps you should start there. Just what makes you happy, anyway? There most be some activites that you really enjoy. Are you passionate about anything? I mean something that you would give up everything to do if you could? Begin small.
Perhaps you do need a complete change, but change just for the sake of change will not make you happy. Do take some quiet time. I’ve found God speaks to me and let’s me know what He wants me to do when I quiet my mind and just reflect. Don’t think about anything, just be for a while. See what happens.
Also remember you have a sympathetic ear if you need one. Email me if you need an objective voice.
2.
satandit | July 30, 2007 at 1:36 pm
~~Hi, reading the(your) past couple of posts, kept bringing up for me a lot of memories of my childhood – very similar to yours – and it also brought up my struggle though it all….I am still struggling,every single day I wonder who I am….but like Vince – the things/people that are important to me are who/what defines me..I have given up trying to repair the confusion,the hurt,the loss of identity because of my mom – I have had to completely disconnect from her. Now, when I speak to her – I speak to her objectively, I try not to let her words reach me….
For now…Just be you, let things be…sometimes a stillness brings objectivity to ones life, dont worry about not being nice,kind,peaceful etc…those who care will stick around,believe me….and those who dont, it sure will hurt but dont give them a bother….
Am sending a lot of prayers, a lot of strength your way…hope to see you healing yourself,cuz no one else can…God Bless~~
3.
Katherine | August 29, 2007 at 3:15 pm
I’ve read your last few posts. Seems like you are having a rough time. Have you thought about talking to a counselor to sort out your feelings?
It seems like you are stuck emotionally and dwelling on your past. I, too, have done this, it’s so hard sometimes to get past it. For me, it’s my faith in God that gets me through. I hope and pray you will find healing and some peace.
4.
Highland Gal | September 7, 2007 at 7:02 pm
I haven’t checked on you in a while. You’ve really been peeling back the onion here. I’m sorry your relationship with your mother is so much like beating your head against a wall. What happens if you never get the admission of guilt from her that you seek? Will you always be fixated on this? How long can you allow her influence to hold up the rest of your life?
If you understand that objectively you are on the side of truth in this issue then you should gain some peace from that. You CANNOT change her. Don’t let that drag you down.
5.
Katherine aka 4texans | November 4, 2007 at 11:37 pm
Where are you?
6.
Ajeya | January 5, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Looks like you haven’t posted in a while either. Hope you’re well, RM. Take care.
7.
Satandit | September 10, 2008 at 1:03 pm
~Hey, I keep coming back to your blog to check on you; and you havent posted anything in ages. RM ? Where are you ? How are you? Well….wherever you are…I do hope you’re doing okay…~