We Are SO Over

I’m done with my latest relationship.  I’ve been dating this guy since last November.  When I met him I knew the relationship didn’t really have much potential to last, but I was ok with the time we spent together.   He was fun and we ‘clicked’ in one of those ‘elusive’ ways (no, I am not talking about sexual chemistry).  It’s just been a long time since I was able to talk, laugh, and just enjoy things with someone that didn’t feel somewhat contrived or date-ish.  I was probably more ok with things because we didn’t actually live in the same city, so there was never an expectation of consistent time spent together. Plus, he’s been divorced and, quite honestly, that’s actually a dealbreaker for me when it comes to the ‘must-haves’ for my future spouse.

As with most relationships, inevitably one of the two parties (usually the woman, and yes, me in this case) wants more out of it or just realizes it’s run its course wants to end things sooner than later instead of dragging it out.  I knew in February that spending the time with him was really just reminding me that I really hadn’t found what I was looking for yet.  We talked in vague conversations about where we were in life and about the things we wanted, and while we never had a direct talk about it, the conversations we did have confirmed that our visions and wants were very different.

Then in May I tried to have a serious conversation with him about our relationship, which didn’t go very well.  I yelled and bullied in an attempt to get him to talk, and I know that was wrong.  He clammed up and told me he’s always had trouble opening up.  Blah blah.  I’ve heard that before and it basicallly means that he’s got no interest in addressing my concerns.

Somewhere among the drama of my real estate transaction in late May to present, I realized that this guy does not have the characteristics to mesh well with me when I am stressed.  I’ve been obsessed with mortgages and all things real estate for the last couple of months, and he’s not been a source of comfort or a reprieve from all of this headache.  

At the end of the day I would be so exhausted and frustrated after spending a lot of my time dealing with open houses or other real estate stuff that all I wanted was to go home and relax at the end of the day.  It made me really want someone to go home to at the end of the day and it made me want so desperately for someone who just ‘gets’ me, where I could be taken care of and where I could just let my hair down and feel like I’d be ok  with them in my corner.  I wanted to know that I could have a bad day and that they would still love me anyway. 

I never felt that with this guy.  Each time I’d try to open up or share more, I didn’t feel it was safe to do so, nor did I feel like he was receptive to seeing that side of me. 

There’s a lot more that was frustrating about this relationship, but I’ve made up in my mind to let it go.  It’s going nowhere, so what’s the point of putting more energy into and getting more attached, you know?

It sucks, it really does.  It’s hard to find someone who reciprocates a certain amount of chemistry, a certain amount of like-mindedness, and a certain style of being.  But I am letting it go and moving on.

Ugh

So here I am again, once again reflecting on my life and what I want to do with it. 

The job is going ok.  I’m learning a bit about legal contracts and working on financial projects, but the pace is so much slower than I was used to.  A recent change of events has thrown me for a loop.  The guy who hired me recently announced he was taking a leave of absence.  He was one of the main reasons I took the job, so I wasn’t too thrilled with that at all.  The new guy is all over the place with his ideas and projects, so learning how to manage him is a big challenge.  I’m already planning my exit.  It may be sooner than later.

My living situation is not changing as soon as I’d like.  The last two times I moved it was very easy.  Within a matter of days I found a new place I liked and moved right away.  This time, however, I’ve not been impressed with anything I’ve seen.  It’s been a month now and the search continues. 

I’ve been dating someone for a few months now.  I think it’s going ok.  He’s an Irish guy originally from Belfast and the weirdest thing happened the last couple of weekends.  He came to church with me one weekend when we had a guest pastor preach.  The preacher used an Irish joke about Belfast in his sermon.  It was just one of those weird moments where I knew it was a weird coincidence and wondered why, of all jokes and things he could have used to make his point, he mentions something close to my situation.  Then the following week my guy came with me to church again and this time when my pastor preached, in his sermon he talked about apartment hunting and really made a point about roommates and remembering how it was to share a bathroom in a house full of people.  Again, this was like another word for me, since a recent incident before this particular sermon consisted of me and a potential future roommate having a frustrating moment because finding a 2 bathroom place is a must have in our housing search.

I’m wondering what these coincidences mean to me.  I’m wondering if it’s meant to encourage me to hang tight and keep on trudging along, or whether He’s trying to tell me something else.  All I do know is that He’s here and that He’s with me.

I’m feeling disconnected these days.  I don’t know why I’m working where I do.  I’m not excited to get up and go to work everyday.  Where the heck is my passion and excitement for living?  What the heck are my passions?  I have no clue.

Apartment hunting is making me wonder why anyone in their right mind would want to stay in the bay area.  The cost of living is crazy and the people are even more crazy. 

My life is not flowing just yet.  It was for a while, but it seems to be falling apart in recent months.  I’m not sure how to fix it or how to change it.  I’m tired.  I’m just plain tired.  What does it mean when even a vacation isn’t enough to refresh my soul? 

What now?

“Your Half Comes To…”

Girl meets boy.

Girl and boy flirt for a couple of months.

Boy (finally) asks girl out to dinner.

Girl is giddy because boy is dreamy.

Boy asks girl what she wants to do.

Boy asks girl what she wants to eat.

Boy asks girl where she wants to eat.

Girl is impressed that boy is planning date.

Boy picks up girl and whisks her away to a lovely restaurant.

Boy and girl have a nice dinner and good conversation.

Waiter brings bill.

Boy looks at bill and says to girl, “Your half comes to…”

Girl looks at boy.

What boy?