Hey Dad

Hey Dad,

Today is Father’s Day and I miss you so much.  I can’t put into words how much I wish you were here.  I can barely remember what you look like or the sound of your voice.  I remember things in bits and pieces and at the most random moments.  I vaguely remember the sound of your laugh or the way your eyes would crinkle at the corners when you found something amusing.  I don’t remember much of you at all, and the memories I do I have are now fuzzy at best.  But even ‘tho the memories are fuzzy, what’s clear to me now is the love that you always had for me. 

I’ve been sitting here and thinking about you and I just realized that this December will be the 16th anniversary of your death.  Do you know what that means?  It means that this Christmas you will have been gone for over half of my life.  I can’t believe it. 

Dad, I miss you.  I love you.  I thank you.  I thank you for giving me all you had and for loving me the the way that you did.

Always,
Your baby girl

Death of a Tomato

My sis called me earlier today.  The tomatoes we planted already died.    I was so sad to hear the news.  I couldn’t believe they didn’t last a week.

I went online to find out what might have gone wrong.  I concluded it was because of the way we added fertilizer to the soil.  I’m pretty sure the fertilizer touched the roots of the plants, which basically caused us to fry the roots of the plants.

The rest of the veggies are doing ok.  She said the jalepenos, eggplant, bell peppers and zucchini are looking good.  She’s going to get more tomato plants at the garden center later this weekend, so maybe we’ll still be able to add tomatoes to the harvest list this year.

I’m Back

I got back from Houston on Sunday evening.  My niece’s party went well.  About 90 people showed up for it.  I seriously don’t know how my sister does it.  She’s such a social person and is always so organized when it comes to getting things done.  When I think of the working woman who is able to juggle family, work, and home, she’s the one who can do it with style and flair.

My niece is 9 months old now and is just the cutest thing!  Her temperament is so mellow and happy.  I don’t think she cried much when she was around all those people, and even when she was tired or hungry there wasn’t much fuss from her then either.

My other niece is 3 and we had a blast.  We made up songs all weekend long.  We came up with a new jingle for Chick-Fil-A and sang songs about watering the plants in the garden.  We spent some of the weekend planting the vegetable garden which was a lot of fun.  I miss working on projects around the house.  I miss my last place where I grew yummy tomatoes on the back porch.

Spending time with my family made me think a bit about the things that I want out of life.  I wonder why some people can uproot themselves from their hometown and plant themselves into a new city and make that place home, and why others leave home but never quite fit in in other places.  I also wonder why somewhere else can be home and then out of no where that place can suddenly seem like a foreign land.

I’ve realized I’m one of the latter.  San Francisco, as wonderful as it once was to me, is no longer a place that feels like home.  I’ve come to accept this and the fact that perhaps a big move is or should be in the works.  I’m not sure.  I still don’t like enough of Arizona to move back wholeheartedly yet, but I don’t feel like there’s enough in San Francisco to keep me here either.  I feel so displaced.  I miss the way my family grounds me and helps to keep things in perspective.  I long for my own place and I just can’t justify spending twice the amount of money for 1/2 the size of a place I could buy elsewhere.  I wish I had a companion to just share the mundane things in life with.  And children.  I wonder if I’ll ever have them anymore.  I’m holding on to that wish, but I know that the more I hold on to it, the less likely it will happen.  It’s a strange place I’m in right now.  I’m trying to embrace my 30s, but I didn’t think I’d be going into it the way that I am.  I often leave from family visits with two perspectives.  On one hand I am thankful for them and for the fact that we are all happy, healthy, and productive.  On the other hand, I leave quite saddened by the fact that the home and family I’d like to create and build seems like something that will never come to fruition.

How does one go on building a home and a life for themselves?  It really gets old just thinking about myself.  I spend time where I can with friends and family, but in the end I’m by myself again.  How much is it me and my perspective?  How much of it is just life and God’s plan?  How much of it is due to my own choices?  How much of it is just plain timing?  I’m trying to be content in all circumstances and I’m still learning to let go of some things.  I’m learning to love where I’m at and I’m hoping that by feeling these questions I’ll live my way into the answers.

I’m sad, uncertain, longing, resigned, hopeful, grateful, and somewhat aware of how much more patient and kind I am to myself today, and specifically in this moment and mood.  This is a big change from where I was a year ago.

I don’t know where I’m headed, but I think it’s in the ‘right’ direction.

Cheers,
RM

To My Sister On This Saturday Morning

Sis,

You’ve known me my entire life and not once have I ever been a morning person.  I guess my request not to be disturbed before 10AM fell on deaf ears.  Why do you always call me at 8AM on Saturday mornings??  And you wonder why I never sound happy to hear from you.

Bugger off!

Growing Season – Midweek Ramblings #1

In my previous post about my group meeting, our homework for the week was: 

Think of a relationship that you’d like to create, grow or restore.  Based on this lesson or the message, what are one or two practical next steps you could take?

————–

Before leaving our bible study group last Thursday, we each committed to taking a step towards creating, growing or restoring a relationship.  I had committed to taking a step towards healing my relationship with my younger cousin.  It’s one of those relationships where there was rivalry in our teenage years, and to this day it has just been full of animosity, not because there is any real hatred towards one another, but mainly because we’re just living out a pattern that’s been established.

Last Christmas I took steps towards mending this relationship, but I returned back from my visit home rather discouraged because even though my heart and attitude has changed about this relationship in recent months, the circumstances and the depth of the rift we have will take some time to heal and to change.  My cousin was not adverse to my attempt to converse with her, but the change in my usual behavior did elicit an unease from her, and so I realized and am trying to accept, that patience, diligence, and just positive intentionality are the virtues I need to work on in this relationship.  I am also praying for the Lord to help restore that relationship in due time and to help change her heart as well.

So, I actually didn’t take steps towards this relationship this week, but the Lord brought in a new relationship for me to create and develop.  Once again, I am a firm believer that nothing is coincidence.  

Last Saturday at church service, a girl arrived about 15 minutes after the sermon began and sat down next to me.  She had forgotten her bible and so I offered to share mine with her.  Afterwards, she thanked me for sharing and I casually asked if she normally came to Sat service or if she usually attends on Sunday.  She told me it was her first time at this church, to which I welcomed her to our church and asked if she was new to the area or just looking for a new church to attend.  She said she had moved from Houston a while back and had been attending another church and was now trying to find a new church to attend.  It turns out that she attended the church I used to go to and we knew some people in common.  But this was only part of the divine appointment.

We gathered our things to leave and she said that she might be back next week, so I told her that I’m here every week and it would be good to see her again then.  As we started to walk out of the row of chairs, something nudged me to offer to exchange contact info.  I’m usually not one to so casually offer my personal information, but I did this time and asked if she wanted to exchange email addresses and she eagerly agreed.  We sat down to exchange information and as she was writing down her number, I casually mentioned that my sister lives in Houston.  She asked me what my sister’s name was, and I thought, there is no way she would know my sister!  WELL, as it turns out, she is actually my sister’s husband’s cousin and they all used to attend the same church in Houston!  In fact, they were all in the same bible study group at one time! 

How “random” is that?  Here I was, presented once again, with another knowing that the Lord is at work in my life.  You can say I just knew there was something going on when I met this woman, and one of the first thoughts that came to mind was that this was a relationship brought to me and that I am supposed to take steps to create and grow it. 

I emailed her tonight and asked if she was planning on going to Sat service, and if she was, whether or not she would like to get dinner afterwards. 

I don’t know what will happen with this relationship, but they all need to start somewhere, I guess. 

Stay tuned….

A Few Of My Favorite Things

I love “The Sound Of Music“.  Literally and figuratively.

I grew up thinking Maria was so loveable and sweet, pretending that I’d be singing and dancing with her in the safe haven of the nanny’s room.

I grew up thinking Captain von Trapp was a fuddy duddy, but a cute fuddy duddy.  Even at a young age I knew he just needed the love of one good woman to soften his good heart.

I grew up wishing I was Liesl, dancing with her man in the gazebo near the water and wishing that her heart wouldn’t be broken when he blew into his whistle at the end, sending the Von Trapp family off to Switzerland in order to escape the Nazi regime.

I related to Brigitta who was bookish and somewhat plain.

I laughed when Kurt sang soprano during his solo in “So Long, Farewell”.

I thought Gretl was so cute when she said her bandaged finger was hurt when it “got caught in Friedrich’s teeth”.    And I felt her saddness when she wasn’t able to sing because she was missing Maria so much after Maria ran back to the abbey.

I could go on and on about this movie.  It’s one of my favorites, if not THE ONE!  Not so much for the warm fuzzies or the ”great”, corny story, but also because I look back on the times my family and I would sit around and watch it at Christmas.  It is one of the few traditions that I remember so fondly.   

So today I’m kicking off a new “category” in honor of my favorite movie.  It’s a small glimpse into the little things that make The Rambling Muse smile.  :)

A few of my favorite things:

- Chai latte

- Spicy tuna sushi

- Dr. Pepper

Heart Talk

I have no idea what this new year will bring me.  I’m beginning it with a kinder, gentler, more purposeful and more optimistic perspective about life, about myself, and about the people around me and my role in the places I affect. 

I saw the previous quote on a t-shirt in a random shop I stopped into on new year’s eve.  It resonated with me and once again I wonder if it was really a random coincidence or whether it was God’s hand leading me to see something I needed to see, something that would stick with me to remind me this new year that I am an ever-evolving creature meant to grow in my character and to stay conscious that I am continually “becoming” perfectly made in His image.

The fears and the unknowns are still there, lurking about somewhere in the recesses of my mind, but I’m slowly learning to make peace with them.  I’m getting closer to finding my answers about life.  My own personal truths are still nebulous at best, but in the murky waters of those truths, the details seem more clear than I ever thought possible, and the path appears laid out before me.

Update On My Sis

My sis went into get her appendix taken out on Thurs and what should have been an outpatient procedure ended up having her spending 2 nights in the hospital. She stayed in the hospital Thurs night because her surgery was so late in the day. I guess it’s common procedure to do so just incase there are complications later that evening, even for standard surgeries like this. She was supposed to be released on Fri but her blood test came back and showed a high white blood cell count, which is an indication that her body is fighting some sort of infection. They kept her in the hospital Fri evening and gave her IV antibiotics. On her way home on Sat she said she was feeling nauseous. When she got home the first thing she did was throw up in a bucket of legos. LOL. The throwing up wasn’t funny, but the lego part is.

I didn’t realize this simple procedure could end up with this type of reaction. Anyway, she’s still a bit sore from the surgery. She can’t take a shower or bath until tomorrow. All she had was 3 tiny incisions made in her mid-section. Otherwise she looks fine. She’s still on oral antibiotics and her appetite is better. I’m not sure what caused the nauseated feeling, but that’s gone away too.

Today my 5.5 year old nephew said in his most serious face to her, “Mommy, it’s not nice to throw up on people’s toys.”

LOL!

Thanks for all the well-wishes! Please keep sending healing thoughts!

How Not To Start Your Phone Call To Me

“Hey, we’re at the hospital.”

My sister called my cell phone while I was at work and in our usual routine I told her I’d call her right back on my desk phone.  When I called her back her husband answered and said, “Hey, we’re at the hospital”.  Uhh…a moment of concern struck me.  My sis?  No, she was the one who first called.  Mom?  My mom?  Grandma? 

The weird thing is, my gut knew nothing was really wrong with anyone I knew.  It’s quite the contrast to that really deep, inner knowing when something just isn’t right.  For any of you who have ever been in a crisis situation, you’ll know what I mean.  There’s this utter sense of helplessness or loss hits you in the gut.  I didn’t get that feeling, but I could tell something was up just from the tone in my sister’s voice.

I asked what was going on and it turns out my sis had to get her appendix taken out.  I just got off the phone with her a few minutes ago and she’s doing fine.  Normally it’s an outpatient thing but since she had her surgery so late in the day they are keeping her overnight.

If you want to read more about your appendix, click here.

Send healing prayers, ok? 

My Nephew

My nephew starts school next Monday.

Where does the time go??

I spoke with my sister today and she said she went to the school’s orientation the other night.  She got to meet his teacher,  the rest of the faculty, and some of the other students and parents.

My nephew is actually supposed to be in Kindergarten (he turns 6 in December), but he tested out of it and will actually be starting 1st grade!!  Yeah, I am such the proud auntie today.  Such a smart kid!    Although, it’s kind of funny.  How does a kid test out of Kindergarten?  I have no idea.