Paint Fumes

I’m pretty high right now, I think. 

My office is going through some renovations and I have been inhaling paint fumes all day.  I’m feeling kind of loopy and a bit aloof.

La la la….

Commander in Queef

Oy, vey!  I can just imagine how many site hits I’ll be getting with this post! 

This is a warning to you men out there.

Girl talk to follow…!

Is it just me or do some of you women out there have a problem with air being released from your vagina?  This is something that’s begun to happen to me in recent years, especially during the week or so before my period.  I’m not talking about a soft, swift, silent release of air.  I’m talking about loud and obnoixious noises that sound like ducks quacking the preamble to one another. 

It’s unlike anything being released from my ass.  At least with ass farts I can clench the butt muscles and stifle an ominous fart.  Having mastered the first part of silencing ass farts with clenching the butt muscles, I have yet to figure out part two:  how to  prevent them from them from smelling nauseating.

But ass farts are another post for anther day.  Now, back to my original musings today:  vaginal flatulence, aka “queef”, “pussy fart”, “fanny fart” to the British and Australians, “chinara” to the Japanese, and “kutscheet” to the Dutch.  You can read all about it here.

I went online and had hoped Oprah, with her “tell-it-like-it-is” Dr. Mehmet Oz, would have honest, straightforward answers about these things.  If you haven’t seen her show on poop, then you really haven’t made friends with your bathroom habits at all.  I figured of all people, Oprah would have an answer for me but I guess the fact that her show on embarrassing health questions didn’t even touch on this topic really proved that even vaginal flatulence is too personal to discuss.

I did mention this to my gynecologist once a few years back when it used to happen on occasion.  She didn’t know much about it, but then again maybe it was because I had use the term “queef” and not the more basic statement of “THERE ARE LOUD NOISES COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA” to her.  My “occasional condition” now seems to be happening much more frequently.  Dealing with it seems to be taking over my life.  It SO sucks to be a woman!    

Anyway, thank goodness for the world wide web.  With a few keywords I was off and learning all about “air being released from the vagina”.  Geez, how many times will I type that word in this post?  Can there be a more phonetically crass-sounding word in the english vocabulary?

Most of the stuff I read said it’s usually caused by air being forced and trapped into the vagina, usually as a result of intercourse.  Ok, so I think most women have experienced that and usually it’s a good laugh, but that’s when you’re naked and enjoying yourself with your yummy hunny of the night.  For me, all I do is stand up and there goes the noise.  If I cross my leg while I’m sitting in a chair, or if I shift my weight while I’m standing, there it goes.  QUUUAAACCCKK!!!  And, unfortunately, good ‘old “Beano” only works for ass farts.  BTW, I get no gratuities for saying this, but that stuff works really well and I love their old slogan, “Beano before.  Quiet after.”  LOL.  Gotta love it just for that catch phrase.

The other common cause for this is post child-birth.  I guess after having your body stretched and changed from carrying a child, your uterus/body can be reshaped and air can commonly get trapped in there due to the physical changes that happened.  I’m guessing that with “old age” my body is just reshaping itself and for whatever reason it’s decided to give me this the joy of this embarrassing condition to deal with.  Example of a mega embarrassing moment:  Yes, today I gave out a long and loud vaginal fart during church.  I about died with embarrassment because it’s one of those things that if you move or try to stifle it, it just causes it to be louder or more obvious.  So I just had to stand there and let my face burn red with embarrassment.  I just wanted to scream, “It’s my vagina!  It’s not my fault!  It has a mind of it’s own right now!  It doesn’t count since it’s not an ass fart!  I can’t help farting out loud!”  I was really trying hard to mentally disassociate myself with my farting vagina.  *sigh*  Guess which service I’ll be avoiding for a while now? 

Everything I read said I can’t do much to reduce the air getting in there, except maybe Kegel exercises.  The articles also said much can’t be done to control or prevent the sounds that comes out, except maybe using a tampon.

Anyone out there have your own battle with this?  Any tips on how to prevent it?  It’s rather embarrassing having this happen at the office or elsewhere.

It sucks having to deal with the monthly curse.  This certainly doesn’t help that at all.

Thanks for reading,
RM (who is not sure whether this was a rant or a rave or just a rambling on this fact of life)

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Number of times “vagina” or “vaginal” was typed in this post, including this sentence:  12

Death of a Tomato

My sis called me earlier today.  The tomatoes we planted already died.    I was so sad to hear the news.  I couldn’t believe they didn’t last a week.

I went online to find out what might have gone wrong.  I concluded it was because of the way we added fertilizer to the soil.  I’m pretty sure the fertilizer touched the roots of the plants, which basically caused us to fry the roots of the plants.

The rest of the veggies are doing ok.  She said the jalepenos, eggplant, bell peppers and zucchini are looking good.  She’s going to get more tomato plants at the garden center later this weekend, so maybe we’ll still be able to add tomatoes to the harvest list this year.

My Dream

There are a bunch of milk carton crates stacked up to look like shelves.  They are sitting next to my dresser which is next to my bed.  The room is the place I was renting before I moved to my current place.  On the “shelves” (the milk carton crates) are two polo shirts folded and stacked up like a display in a clothing store.  One is a brownish color (I think) and the other is this orangey-red color.  In my dream I know it’s my ex-bf’s shirt.  Sean loved this particular color polo shirt he had.  There are other things on the shelf, I’m not sure what, but I know that all the things belong to my ex boyfriend.  Propped up against the crates is a silver backpack that also belongs to Sean.  In my dream I somehow know that the stuff has been sitting there for a long time and so I decide it’s time to clean up and put away his things.  In my dream I know he’s ‘gone’. Not dead, but just been out of my life for a while.  I pick up his backpack and open it up.  Inside there is a cell phone.  I think, that’s weird, I wonder why he didn’t take his phone?  I wonder if it still works?  Or did he disconnect it?  So I turn on the cell phone and I’m surprised that it still works. 

Then I woke up.

Another Weird Dream

A bunch of us were gathered at my dad’s store.  I don’t know who these people were, other than the fact that Jane Seymour was there and in my dream she was actually my mom.  Go figure. 

We were gathered in the store for some sort of rally/preparation, as if it we were getting ready to defend ourselves against something.  The next thing I know we are in produce department in Safeway and we are told to pick out produce for our weapons.  Apparently our weapons run on organic material.  In my case we had guns similar to a nerf gun that shoots that long tube of styrofoam at someone, but instead of styrofoam we were shooting carrots.  But this comes up later.

So I’m in the produce department and me and my partner (I guess we had been paired up to fight together) and we were all told that the produce were being rationed and so we had to select the bare minimum of produce to defend ourselves with.  We picked out a couple of carrots, a potatoe, and something else.  I think it was lettuce or some other green leafy vegetable. 

Then we’re back in my dad’s store.  We go out behind the store.  My dad’s store had this small porch-like room.  It was screened in and used to house some of the motors to run the equipment for the store.  But in my dream the screened room contained more of a work bench.  We walk into this room and immediately to my right are these hat boxes in bright primary colors, stacked up from largest to smallest.  Red, green, yellow and blue boxes round boxes.  I didn’t think anything of it and continued to walk past it to get to the work bench.  It’s night time outside.  My partner and I start to load our guns, fashioning our carrots to it, and trying to be quiet and not draw attention to our work.  I hear some noise and look over my partner’s shoulder.  There’s a house and a light on outside of the small stoop.  There are curtains that moved slightly and so I tell my partner that I think we’re being watched.  He looks over to the house and just says not to worry about it, but I keep looking at the house and then some guy approaches the house, stops at the stoop for a bit and then looks over at us and then slowly goes into the house.  I tell my partner that the guy is watching us and he just says to act cool and not to worry about it, that the guy is harmless.  We quickly finish attaching our carrots to the guns and put the guns in the cabinets above the workbench.  We go back into the store.

I can’t remember why, but there’s some reason in my dream that I have to go back outside and to this porch area.  I open the back door to go there and next to the bright-colored hat boxes are a bunch of helium balloons in primary colors.  I run back into the store to tell my mom (Jane Seymour) that “IT” is here.  Now, if any of you read Stephen King, “IT” is that freaky book about the kids who have fears and the fears are manifested into this creepy clown.  When I watched the movie version of this book TV years back, it scared the crap out of me.  However, I have not seen or read any Stephen King or Jane Seymour movie or book so I have no idea how they ended up in my dream.  I don’t remember much else after that.  The dream was more weird than scary.

Conversations at the Dentist

Ok.  In my previous post I talked about getting my tooth prepped for a crown.  The procedure takes about 2 hours.  You all know how horrible the dental experience is, right?  Now imagine having to keep your mouth open for 2 hours, numb from anesthesia, two sets of hands probing around (the assistant’s and the dentist’s), crazy tools doing weird jabby-pokey things to you,  and that gawd-awful drill going on, not to mention being reclined and dribbling who knows what on your numb face…

Do you guys (the dentist and hygenist) really need to be having a conversation over me about how hot Angelina Jolie is and how you disagree with some of the Oscar picks??  I’m glad your new car runs like a baby.  I’m sorry your old one had to go.  And boy, Ms. X in the office is such a hoot, isn’t she?? 

Bite me!

My Tooth

I went to the dentist the other day to get my tooth prepped for a crown.  I was really quite bothered by this because I take good care of my teeth.  I was told that my tooth probably got cracked when an old filling was replaced about a year ago.  It was at that time I noticed a bit of sensitivity to hot, cold, and pressure but my dentist said to wait because it might be the new filling settling.  Anyway…for a period of two weeks I was in constant pain so I went to the dentist who said I should get a crown.  A week before my appointment the pain mysteriously went away.  It was still sensitive, but the pain was gone.  I guess the pain going away is a good sign according to my dentist because constant pain would indicate nerve damage which then means I’d have to get a root canal and who wants that, right?  Anyway, I’ve never had such a big procedure done to me and it was unnerving.  Lots of anesthetic, lots of drilling and 2 hours later I was done.  Well, done with the prep work, anyway.  I have a temporary crown put on and boy, has it made a difference.  Next week he’ll fit me with the permanent one.  I’ve never had one of these done before and I guess it’s made me aware again that someday I’ll be gumming my food.  Ok, I like being dramatic, but you know what I mean.  I don’t like knowing that my body is getting old.  At the same time, it makes me aware of how important it is to stay proactive about maintaining my health.  There’s no real point to this post.  Just more random musings.

Thanks for reading!

Another Weird Dream

I’m sitting on this cement bench that is against the outside of a house.  In my dream I know it’s my house, but it looks nothing like my current place.

There’s water everywhere.  I’m sitting on this bench as if I’m dangling my legs into the water from the edge of  a pool .  The water comes up to my knees.  The water is very dark blue and has a uniform pattern to it as I watch the ripples of water.

A man is sitting next to me.  I don’t see a face, nor do I have a sense of who he is.  He’s wearing a blue polo t-shirt and blue and orange plaid shorts, like a bad preppy statement from the ’80s. 

Then an albino rhinocerous walks by, treading through the water.  The rhinocerous has very distinct body sections, kind of like he’s put together in the same manner/build as a storm trooper from Star Wars (if that makes any sense).

Then I see a wild boar hanging out in the middle of the expanse of water.  This wild boar doesn’t have any skin.  He looks real, but the core of his body is like one of those plastic anatomy models where you peel away the skin and you can see the plastic organs in their vibrant colors.  I can see his intestines and stomach, etc.

I remember poking at the leg of the person sitting next to me.  I’m not sure if I was poking to be annoying, or whether I was poking in a teasing manner.

Then I woke up.

Another Weird Dream

I had another weird dream the other night.

I was seriously trying to pee but couldn’t.  There wasn’t much imagery in this dream.  I don’t remember being in a bathroom or sitting on a toilet.  I just remember having the sensation that my bladder was full but I couldn’t pee no matter how hard I tried.

I looked up some symbols in an online dream dictionary for this dream and for the previous dream.  This is what I found:

Bathroom (from my previous dream here, as well as this post): 

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to “relieve yourself”.  Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Drown(ing) (from my previous dream here): 

To see someone drowning in your dream, suggests that you are becoming too deeply involved in something that is beyond your control. Alternatively, it represents a sense of loss in your own identity. You are unable to differentiate who you are anymore.

To dream that you rescue someone from drowning, indicates that you have successfully acknowledged certain emotions and characteristics that is symbolized by the drowning victim. 

CPR/Resuscitate (from my previous dream):

To dream that you resuscitate another, denotes that new friendships will be formed giving you much pleasure.

 Protect (from my previous dream)

To dream that you are being protected or need protection, indicates that you are feeling helpless in some situation. Life’s difficulties has made you dependable on others. You need to start taking charge of the situation.

Defend (from my previous dream)
 
To dream that you are defending yourself, suggests an underlying hurt. It may parallel a waking life situation where you are being put on the defensive.

* I couldn’t figure out from my last dream whether I was defending myself or protecting myself.  But both interpretations for “protect” and for “defend” do fit my current situation, ‘tho.  Gotta love dream interpretation, ‘tho!  It’s so subjective! 

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Basically all of these dreams and symbols I am seeing are fairly accurate.  I am having a spiritual awakening and renewal, with a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts and changes that are trying to be expressed, but are not quite there yet.  I do think that who I thought I was has truly been lost and I don’t know who I really am anymore.  I do feel like I’ve accurately acknowledged and see some of these feelings and areas for improvement and changes that I need to make.  I’m slowly starting to take charge of my situation and taking the necessary steps to face the fear and to go after what it is that I truly want.  I’m learning all about who I am and who I want to become and perhaps new friendships are forming that are going to support this ‘new’ me.

I won’t go into details on how I came up with this interpretation(s).  You can read my posts and figure it out yourself! 

 

A Prayer

Father God,

If you’re there would you please say something?  I’m going through a lot right now and would seriously like some feedback.  You know, like preferrably sooner than later.  Like NOW.  Like ASAP.  When I think about some of the choices I am faced with right now I’d like a little peace and clarity before I decide on something.  I’ve been patient and really trying to be obedient and was hoping you’d give me a little feedback.  You know, just a little something to let me know that you’re looking out for me, that you’re hearing my pleas, that you’re working on hooking me up and that all of this really is temporary.  I’m seriously struggling and wouldn’t mind a little encouragement from you while I’m in this confused mental state of mind.  My heart is filled with anxiety and I have no idea how to really surrender it to you.  Would you provide some help here, ok?

I just read this article, “A Valentine’s Day Testimony” and my heart is torn and yet full of hope at the same time.  How can two people with so much to look forward to, suddenly have their future changed in one significant moment?  The thing that stands out from reading this post (besides the fact that Larissa is awesome in her faith for You and in her love for Ian) was the question that Ian would pose to Larissa, “What are you believing about God right now?”

I’m searching my heart for an honest answer to this, and immediately this verse came to mind:

“You of little faith,” he said, “why do you doubt?” (Verse 31 from Matthew 14:22-32)

Father God, I ask myself, “Why do I doubt?” and I don’t want to search myself and to really answer it.  I don’t really know how to answer it.  I’ve spent so many years carrying my own burdens that I don’t know how to let you handle my baggage.  Pastor Paul says you’re an excellent baggage handler, but I still don’t quite feel right about letting someone else carry the load.  I sucked it up for years and managed to get along fine.  But you know and I know that getting along “just fine” and getting along “great” are two different things. 

Do you really exist?  Do you really love me as much as I hope you do?  Can you really love me as much as you say you do?  Can that love really be as real as you say it is?  Can you really love someone like me? 

Father God, somewhere along the way the core of who I am was seriously damaged and broken and it’s only now that I’m allowing myself to recognize and to acknowledge this.  It’s like I’m a dam and there’s a ton of water on one side and the dam has had it’s structure damaged and this whole time I’ve been trying to hold it together by using whatever I could to plug in the leaks, somehow managing to get along and do it’s job of holding back the water.  But now, all the build up of water, all that junk that I’ve either not dealt with or just ignored and denied are getting too much to bear and I just want to let go of all of my efforts of holding up the dam but I’m seriously freaked out about what may happen if I do that.

And you know what the weird part is?  Ever since becoming a Christian I’ve been having these “moments”.  Moments where I let it all go.  Moments where I cry out for your help, for your love, for your grace and mercy.  Moments where I think I’ve hit rock bottom and see and experience you lifting me up again.  But I realize I’m getting tired of these yo-yo moments.  I’m wondering two things:  1.  Is this what it means to “take up your cross daily?”  and 2.  Perhaps I haven’t actually really hit the depths of my struggles yet.  Maybe I’m teetering at a certain level, if anything, just to prepare me for a deeper level of repentance before you can truly help me begin to heal.  Or is this the actual process of healing?  I have no idea.  I wish you would answer these question for me in the present moment and not in retrospect. 

In some ways I think you are bringing me to another level, Lord.  I’m a yo-yo believer.  I admit that.  I’m lukewarm when it comes to following you.  I want more of you in my life and for a while I guess I was only kidding myself when it comes to following you.  Are Bible study and church attendance enough?  I think you want more of me.  I think you want me to serve and to make up in my mind to follow you no matter what.  I don’t necessarily know what that means in practical terms (besides maybe joining another ministry or following the 10 Commandments).  How do I glorify you at work?  How do I glorify you with my relationships?  How do I glorify you with my stewardship of the blessings you’ve brought into my life?  etc., etc.  How?  How?  How? 

Show me, Lord, your ways.  Give me strength for this journey.  Give me courage to follow these things that are pressing on my heart, the things that words can’t fully convey, and things that the Holy Spirit is making clear to me.  Lord, help me to press on.  Help me to just be free to follow you.  Grant me the wisdom and the discernment to follow your ways.  Grant me perseverance and patience.  Help to fine-tune the hearing of my heart.  Show me your voice, Lord.  Show me who you are.  Reveal to me your plans and your purpose for my life.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me, for being so merciful and good to me.  Father God, you are the great healer, the holiest one, the omnipotent God.  I pray for your healing and for your Word to really speak to me and for my heart to change and for my mind to be renewed.  Show me my sinful ways and help me to turn from them.  Father God, I can’t do this alone and I pray for your direction and for your guidance.    

I hope you’re listening, God.  I have a lot more on my heart and a lot more I’d like to say, but I’d never get to sleep if I expressed everything that comes to mind.  Do you really know what’s on my heart, God?  Please pull out that stethoscope and take a listen, Lord, and get back to me, ok? 

Thanks.

Amen.