Hey Dad

Hey Dad,

Today is Father’s Day and I miss you so much.  I can’t put into words how much I wish you were here.  I can barely remember what you look like or the sound of your voice.  I remember things in bits and pieces and at the most random moments.  I vaguely remember the sound of your laugh or the way your eyes would crinkle at the corners when you found something amusing.  I don’t remember much of you at all, and the memories I do I have are now fuzzy at best.  But even ‘tho the memories are fuzzy, what’s clear to me now is the love that you always had for me. 

I’ve been sitting here and thinking about you and I just realized that this December will be the 16th anniversary of your death.  Do you know what that means?  It means that this Christmas you will have been gone for over half of my life.  I can’t believe it. 

Dad, I miss you.  I love you.  I thank you.  I thank you for giving me all you had and for loving me the the way that you did.

Always,
Your baby girl

Ruth Graham

I came across this article about the death of Ruth Graham, the wife of evangelist Billy Graham.  She died Thursday at the age of 87.  When asked by someone how she was able to tolerate her husband’s frequest absences due to his mission work, she said, “I’d rather have a little of Bill than a lot of any other man.”

That is absolutely beautiful. 

Ruth Graham article

Lucinda Roy

I’ve been watching and reading the latest news about the tragic events that occurred at Virginia Tech tonight.  I came across this great interview with one of the shooter’s professors that spoke volumes to me.  You can view it here.

The interview answered some questions, but also raised many more concerns and questions.  Many people knew he was troubled, and this particular professor repeatedly tried to get him help.  She even took it upon herself to work 1 on 1 with him, removing him from a particular poetry class because she was not comfortable with the idea that should he act out, she’d rather he act out on her and not on another faculty member or other students.  That was in Fall of 2005.  She did not hear much from him or about him since then.  Two years later it is now Spring of 2007 and 33 are dead and more are wounded.  Unfortunately there is only so much that the system can do to prevent such an event.  Or is there?

After I watching her interview, I wondered if tragedies like these really are inevitable.  It seems to me that everyone did what they could within the capabilities they were given.  After all, you can’t force someone to open up to you.  You can’t force them to go into counseling.  And you can’t just expect everyone to interpret a situation and to have the same conclusion as you. Perhaps there really are the few who are just beyond help.  Perhaps tragedies like this really are “just a fact of life”.  There’s no real answer to that one.

If we could prevent these tragedies from happening, what would those actions be?  Will more gun laws really help?  Wouldn’t the legal ramifications of owning an illegal weapon just make it more exciting to obtain?  Afterall, it’s the people that kill people, not the guns, right?  Will metal detectors in schools really make it that much safer?  And then what?  Metal detectors at grocery stores?  Or video cameras everywhere? 

If the race card is played, which undoubtedly it will at some point in the aftermath, are diversity classes going to change our perspectives about racial stereotypes and race relations?  Will there be demands for immigration law changes?  The shooter and his family were here legally through visas and, from what I read, all had clean background checks.  I also read that he obtained the weapon legally, using all the necessary id’s and following all procedures to make the purchase.

I’m just rambling here, but I guess all I want to say is, ‘watch the video’.  I watched the video and just felt my heart go out to her.  It shows a good, kind woman and teacher, doing what she could with what she knew then, who is now questioning if there was more she could have done and wondering if somehow she failed us at any time during her interactions with the shooter.  I admire and applaud her for doing what she did back then, and I hope everyone affected finds peace with all that has transpired.

Today

Today is my sister’s birthday.  Happy Birthday, Sis!

Today I found out my cousin proposed to his gf.  She said yes.  Congrats, Cuz!

Today is the the day before taxes are due.  Oy vey!

Today is the day the deadliest shooting massacre in US history occurred on the campus of Virginia Tech.  Oh, God.  Why?

I’m Back

I got back from Houston on Sunday evening.  My niece’s party went well.  About 90 people showed up for it.  I seriously don’t know how my sister does it.  She’s such a social person and is always so organized when it comes to getting things done.  When I think of the working woman who is able to juggle family, work, and home, she’s the one who can do it with style and flair.

My niece is 9 months old now and is just the cutest thing!  Her temperament is so mellow and happy.  I don’t think she cried much when she was around all those people, and even when she was tired or hungry there wasn’t much fuss from her then either.

My other niece is 3 and we had a blast.  We made up songs all weekend long.  We came up with a new jingle for Chick-Fil-A and sang songs about watering the plants in the garden.  We spent some of the weekend planting the vegetable garden which was a lot of fun.  I miss working on projects around the house.  I miss my last place where I grew yummy tomatoes on the back porch.

Spending time with my family made me think a bit about the things that I want out of life.  I wonder why some people can uproot themselves from their hometown and plant themselves into a new city and make that place home, and why others leave home but never quite fit in in other places.  I also wonder why somewhere else can be home and then out of no where that place can suddenly seem like a foreign land.

I’ve realized I’m one of the latter.  San Francisco, as wonderful as it once was to me, is no longer a place that feels like home.  I’ve come to accept this and the fact that perhaps a big move is or should be in the works.  I’m not sure.  I still don’t like enough of Arizona to move back wholeheartedly yet, but I don’t feel like there’s enough in San Francisco to keep me here either.  I feel so displaced.  I miss the way my family grounds me and helps to keep things in perspective.  I long for my own place and I just can’t justify spending twice the amount of money for 1/2 the size of a place I could buy elsewhere.  I wish I had a companion to just share the mundane things in life with.  And children.  I wonder if I’ll ever have them anymore.  I’m holding on to that wish, but I know that the more I hold on to it, the less likely it will happen.  It’s a strange place I’m in right now.  I’m trying to embrace my 30s, but I didn’t think I’d be going into it the way that I am.  I often leave from family visits with two perspectives.  On one hand I am thankful for them and for the fact that we are all happy, healthy, and productive.  On the other hand, I leave quite saddened by the fact that the home and family I’d like to create and build seems like something that will never come to fruition.

How does one go on building a home and a life for themselves?  It really gets old just thinking about myself.  I spend time where I can with friends and family, but in the end I’m by myself again.  How much is it me and my perspective?  How much of it is just life and God’s plan?  How much of it is due to my own choices?  How much of it is just plain timing?  I’m trying to be content in all circumstances and I’m still learning to let go of some things.  I’m learning to love where I’m at and I’m hoping that by feeling these questions I’ll live my way into the answers.

I’m sad, uncertain, longing, resigned, hopeful, grateful, and somewhat aware of how much more patient and kind I am to myself today, and specifically in this moment and mood.  This is a big change from where I was a year ago.

I don’t know where I’m headed, but I think it’s in the ‘right’ direction.

Cheers,
RM

Membership and Other Ramblings

After ~3 years of attending my current church I decided it was time.  I officially became a member last Tuesday, February 27th. 

Yes, yes, save your applause and congratulations for later. 

There wasn’t much to the process, really.  I attended something called an, “Exploring Membership” meeting where the Pastor and the Welcome Team talked about the history of the church, went over the mission and value statement, and talked about the importance of being connected and involved with a church family.  A form was filled out and my picture was taken and that was that.

Becoming a member has made me reflect a bit on my spiritual journey.  I’ve never felt the Lord as much as I do now, and even during periods when I don’t “feel His presence”, my thoughts are with Him and I know He’s beside me.  I feel a tug at my heart to follow God more and more these days and this is just one of many steps in that journey. 

I’ve signed up to discuss areas where I can be more involved with church (stay tuned for that later) and I signed up to explore being water baptised in one of the services.  The water baptism is a big deal for me because it always seemed to be this super holy thing that only the strongest of believers would do.  Along with the first time I prayed to accept Christ as my Savior, I feel like water baptism is this big “coming out”, this ultimate commitment and proclamation to the church family to be a follower of Christ.  I’m a commitment phobe and my relationship with God these past couple of years has really brought that to my attention.

I realized that I’m still holding back many parts of myself and my life because somewhere I made up in my mind that I wasn’t:  a) worthy of such good things; b) waiting for things to be perfect; c) chicken sh*t to assert myself; d) worried about what others would think; and e) afraid of what might happen (both the worst case scenario and, ironically, the best case scenario).  I wrote before that I’m a wishy-washy Christian and like many addicts who are trying to break old habits, I can’t do it cold turkey.  Baby steps and patience seem to be the particular remedy that is working for me.  

One baby step has been my bible study group.  It’s going well.  I know I haven’t posted the lessons the last few weeks but I’ll get around to those sometime soon.  Another baby step has just been to spend more time alone and away from all the noise of this world.  I’m still trying to silence all the worldly messages that bombard me each day, and I’m trying to do more things to help me really connect with my spirit.  I have a long way to go here but I feel much more at peace these days.

I was thinking a bit about a few childhood memories I have of my relationship with the church.  I think it’s a shame that my parents never encouraged my spiritual growth as child.  I grew up going to church but it was just a place for the community to gather back then, or at least that was always the impression I got from my mom.  My parents never went to church with us except for holidays on occasion.  My sister and I would get bused to church each Sunday.  When my sisters became a bit older, Sundays at church were slowly replaced by their high school activities.  There was no one to drive me to church since my parents both worked at the store on weekends.  I stopped going sometime in my preteens.  I remember being asked once in Sunday school (I was about 10 or 11) why we hadn’t taken the step to become members and my answer was something like, “…because  my mom doesn’t want us to and what if we move?”  I guess as a kid you could tell I was literal and just too practical for my own good.    I remember my Sunday school teacher saying we could always transfer the membership if we moved.  But I recall this because my relationship with the church and my mom has been much more complicated than I could put into words.  She was always skeptical when the church asked for money and she would always make a sly comment here and there about tithing and offerings.  In her heart of hearts I know she had her own doubts about the church.  Now as an adult, I look back and know that my mom, in her own way, lacked faith and trust in God’s goodness.  I know she still does and I pray constantly that she’ll come to know God and Jesus Christ as the healer and savior she so desperately needs, and that she’ll shed her ideas of God as a religion.  As my Pastor often says, often it’s harder to “unchurch” people than it is to “church people who have never gone to church”. 

Then once during a service (I don’t remember how old I was, but probably younger than 10) I remember our Pastor had an altar call and I wanted to walk up to the front, but my sister told me to stay where I was and to just keep my head bowed down.  I wonder, as vague as my memory is now about that moment, if the Lord was really tugging at my heart back then, or whether as a kid I was just asking what the protocol was all about.  I mean, if the Pastor said to go up front, then we should go up front, right?  I dunno…my memories of my childhood are so vague.  I’ve been wondering if my life had been different if I had answered His call then.  But, as any Christian would say, the Lord has a perfect plan and time for everything and answering the altar call back then just wasn’t “my time.” 

Asking such questions doesn’t really do much good, but it helps to look back from time to time to avoid the same mistakes and to put my journey in perspective. 

I’m doing good. 

I’m doing the best I can. 

I’m growing. 

I’m learning. 

I’m slowing down. 

I’m simplifying. 

I’m grateful. 

I’m hopeful. 

I’m letting go. 

I’m running towards. 

I’m going forward. 

I’m living the moments. 

I’m here. 

I’m ready.

I’m blessed.

With baby steps and the Lord at my side, I’m finding my voice.  I’m growing my courage.  I’m embracing my life and this journey and I’m learning to love it all.

Thanks for reading!

-RM   

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Happy Chinese New Year!
“Gung Hay Fat Choy!”
“Nin Nin Fai Lok!” 

I hope you all went out and bought some chicken and oranges to eat.    And don’t forget those sticky sesame balls too!

Don’t forget to tuck a few dollars into some red envelopes and pass them out to people you see, especially to your elders and to children!

Did you set off some firecrackers too?  Be careful setting those things off and cover your ears when they do! 
 

Let’s say good-bye to the year of the Dog and welcome in the year of the Boar!

I hope you all have a great one full of joy, love, prosperity and many blessings!

Another Weird Dream

I had another weird dream the other night.

I was seriously trying to pee but couldn’t.  There wasn’t much imagery in this dream.  I don’t remember being in a bathroom or sitting on a toilet.  I just remember having the sensation that my bladder was full but I couldn’t pee no matter how hard I tried.

I looked up some symbols in an online dream dictionary for this dream and for the previous dream.  This is what I found:

Bathroom (from my previous dream here, as well as this post): 

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to “relieve yourself”.  Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Drown(ing) (from my previous dream here): 

To see someone drowning in your dream, suggests that you are becoming too deeply involved in something that is beyond your control. Alternatively, it represents a sense of loss in your own identity. You are unable to differentiate who you are anymore.

To dream that you rescue someone from drowning, indicates that you have successfully acknowledged certain emotions and characteristics that is symbolized by the drowning victim. 

CPR/Resuscitate (from my previous dream):

To dream that you resuscitate another, denotes that new friendships will be formed giving you much pleasure.

 Protect (from my previous dream)

To dream that you are being protected or need protection, indicates that you are feeling helpless in some situation. Life’s difficulties has made you dependable on others. You need to start taking charge of the situation.

Defend (from my previous dream)
 
To dream that you are defending yourself, suggests an underlying hurt. It may parallel a waking life situation where you are being put on the defensive.

* I couldn’t figure out from my last dream whether I was defending myself or protecting myself.  But both interpretations for “protect” and for “defend” do fit my current situation, ‘tho.  Gotta love dream interpretation, ‘tho!  It’s so subjective! 

————————————-

Basically all of these dreams and symbols I am seeing are fairly accurate.  I am having a spiritual awakening and renewal, with a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts and changes that are trying to be expressed, but are not quite there yet.  I do think that who I thought I was has truly been lost and I don’t know who I really am anymore.  I do feel like I’ve accurately acknowledged and see some of these feelings and areas for improvement and changes that I need to make.  I’m slowly starting to take charge of my situation and taking the necessary steps to face the fear and to go after what it is that I truly want.  I’m learning all about who I am and who I want to become and perhaps new friendships are forming that are going to support this ‘new’ me.

I won’t go into details on how I came up with this interpretation(s).  You can read my posts and figure it out yourself! 

 

A Prayer

Father God,

If you’re there would you please say something?  I’m going through a lot right now and would seriously like some feedback.  You know, like preferrably sooner than later.  Like NOW.  Like ASAP.  When I think about some of the choices I am faced with right now I’d like a little peace and clarity before I decide on something.  I’ve been patient and really trying to be obedient and was hoping you’d give me a little feedback.  You know, just a little something to let me know that you’re looking out for me, that you’re hearing my pleas, that you’re working on hooking me up and that all of this really is temporary.  I’m seriously struggling and wouldn’t mind a little encouragement from you while I’m in this confused mental state of mind.  My heart is filled with anxiety and I have no idea how to really surrender it to you.  Would you provide some help here, ok?

I just read this article, “A Valentine’s Day Testimony” and my heart is torn and yet full of hope at the same time.  How can two people with so much to look forward to, suddenly have their future changed in one significant moment?  The thing that stands out from reading this post (besides the fact that Larissa is awesome in her faith for You and in her love for Ian) was the question that Ian would pose to Larissa, “What are you believing about God right now?”

I’m searching my heart for an honest answer to this, and immediately this verse came to mind:

“You of little faith,” he said, “why do you doubt?” (Verse 31 from Matthew 14:22-32)

Father God, I ask myself, “Why do I doubt?” and I don’t want to search myself and to really answer it.  I don’t really know how to answer it.  I’ve spent so many years carrying my own burdens that I don’t know how to let you handle my baggage.  Pastor Paul says you’re an excellent baggage handler, but I still don’t quite feel right about letting someone else carry the load.  I sucked it up for years and managed to get along fine.  But you know and I know that getting along “just fine” and getting along “great” are two different things. 

Do you really exist?  Do you really love me as much as I hope you do?  Can you really love me as much as you say you do?  Can that love really be as real as you say it is?  Can you really love someone like me? 

Father God, somewhere along the way the core of who I am was seriously damaged and broken and it’s only now that I’m allowing myself to recognize and to acknowledge this.  It’s like I’m a dam and there’s a ton of water on one side and the dam has had it’s structure damaged and this whole time I’ve been trying to hold it together by using whatever I could to plug in the leaks, somehow managing to get along and do it’s job of holding back the water.  But now, all the build up of water, all that junk that I’ve either not dealt with or just ignored and denied are getting too much to bear and I just want to let go of all of my efforts of holding up the dam but I’m seriously freaked out about what may happen if I do that.

And you know what the weird part is?  Ever since becoming a Christian I’ve been having these “moments”.  Moments where I let it all go.  Moments where I cry out for your help, for your love, for your grace and mercy.  Moments where I think I’ve hit rock bottom and see and experience you lifting me up again.  But I realize I’m getting tired of these yo-yo moments.  I’m wondering two things:  1.  Is this what it means to “take up your cross daily?”  and 2.  Perhaps I haven’t actually really hit the depths of my struggles yet.  Maybe I’m teetering at a certain level, if anything, just to prepare me for a deeper level of repentance before you can truly help me begin to heal.  Or is this the actual process of healing?  I have no idea.  I wish you would answer these question for me in the present moment and not in retrospect. 

In some ways I think you are bringing me to another level, Lord.  I’m a yo-yo believer.  I admit that.  I’m lukewarm when it comes to following you.  I want more of you in my life and for a while I guess I was only kidding myself when it comes to following you.  Are Bible study and church attendance enough?  I think you want more of me.  I think you want me to serve and to make up in my mind to follow you no matter what.  I don’t necessarily know what that means in practical terms (besides maybe joining another ministry or following the 10 Commandments).  How do I glorify you at work?  How do I glorify you with my relationships?  How do I glorify you with my stewardship of the blessings you’ve brought into my life?  etc., etc.  How?  How?  How? 

Show me, Lord, your ways.  Give me strength for this journey.  Give me courage to follow these things that are pressing on my heart, the things that words can’t fully convey, and things that the Holy Spirit is making clear to me.  Lord, help me to press on.  Help me to just be free to follow you.  Grant me the wisdom and the discernment to follow your ways.  Grant me perseverance and patience.  Help to fine-tune the hearing of my heart.  Show me your voice, Lord.  Show me who you are.  Reveal to me your plans and your purpose for my life.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me, for being so merciful and good to me.  Father God, you are the great healer, the holiest one, the omnipotent God.  I pray for your healing and for your Word to really speak to me and for my heart to change and for my mind to be renewed.  Show me my sinful ways and help me to turn from them.  Father God, I can’t do this alone and I pray for your direction and for your guidance.    

I hope you’re listening, God.  I have a lot more on my heart and a lot more I’d like to say, but I’d never get to sleep if I expressed everything that comes to mind.  Do you really know what’s on my heart, God?  Please pull out that stethoscope and take a listen, Lord, and get back to me, ok? 

Thanks.

Amen.

Song Lyrics

Rush Of Fools – Undo
From the album Rush Of Fools

I’ve been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying
You’ll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who
I’ve been known to be

Chorus
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I’ve been known to be

Chorus
Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

Chorus

Lyrics may not be reproduced without permission from the publisher.